I am tired. Really. I heard a sermon on regaining your strength; a sermon on renewing yourself. I came away realizing that I am one lousy Christian. I am just so tired of it all. I almost wished I believed in suicide, but for now I do not. I just wish God would release me from this burden called life. I don't need a crown, or gold covered streets, I just need to be in His proximity. I don't need accolades or honors, I don't need to be recognized. I just need to rest. I want out, and there is no way out. The one who holds the key is not letting me out and I cannot fathom why. I am told i should just trust Him....and that is why I am such a lousy follower. I obviously don't trust Him enough, it shows in how I act, feel and think. Still, I wish God would allow me out. I can't stand my heart being torn to pieces, gaping holes in my soul. It seems the whole two become one thing was pretty one sided, and I don't have the gumption to survive. God, please let me out..........I hate what I am, who I am becoming, and where I am in life. I want to die, not to kill myself...can you see the difference? I guess at this point I am just rambling, so nevermind......