...Randomnonsense

I am afraid, even here. In this semi-anonymous state I remain afraid to really say what is on my mind. What if someone reads it and knows me? What if they are offended, or worse they tell someone what I have said and it gets back to me or the family? How do I articulate my fears about my wife and her fidelity? How do I enunciate my worries over today/tomorrow/next week/next year? How do I stop being afraid; how do I come to the point that my sanity is more important that what others may think? How do I live?

Hope is so nebulous - here one moment and within my grasp and whisping away like smoke the next. I look at my wife and almost come to tears and feel like a weak fool for it. She doesn't realize, lost her her own stories and daily grind. I grow increasingly convinced that I've lost her. Perversely, that makes me hope and despair at the same time. What a tool I've become - trying to appear confident and crumbling within.

I absolutely ache within my chest. I have so much love I want to give and no one to accept it. I know, my kids - and they do with gusto. I am speaking of another adult, a companion, a spouse, a soulmate (if such truly exists). I want to love, but do not know how or am so bad at it that I am rejected. Am I that disgusting? Am I that unloveable that everyone I've loved has rejected me?

"I pity the fool," and I am that fool. But I neither deserve pity nor want it. I am simply the fool.