An Apology...Of Sorts

"Life is drawn by all the little successes in our lives, but it is colored by our losses"

I want to apologize.
I have sinned.
I was unaware of my sin, but having been made aware, I must make amends. Sort of...

I was recently informed that I have made comments that were deemed "inappropriate" and "offensive." I will not repeat those offenses here, but I would like to relate my view of events - one sided as usual.

The first mistake I made was thinking that I was among family and friends here at work. I am not. I am among co-workers. From my point of view (apparently a wrong one given what happened), I felt open to discuss things in my life and to try to deal with them in, what I thought was, a humorous way. In a family or among friends, it would have been pointed out that, hey, you are crossing a line. In a corporate structure, it is reported that someone is offended. There in lies the mistake - a misperception on my part. A family, a group of friends we are not - we are part of a corporate structure. I therefore apologize to whomever I offended with my remarks. I certainly did not mean to do so - I was dealing with my own pain and never intended to cause you any. Sorry, for whatever it is worth.

Now, let the rationalizations begin.

I have tried hard to act as if we are a family. I have worked hard to be a part - one of the "office people," and to not set myself apart or above. I failed, mostly because I did not understand that what I wanted is impossible. We live in a corporation in a culture of the offended. The naricissm of the offended is more important than the naricissm of the offender. And so we must consider the feelings of the offended vastly more important than the offender. Don't get me wrong - harassment is wrong, but that is not what I am talking about. I was not harassing anyone, I was offensive.

What is the fallout for me? I feel hurt, betrayed, alone, embarrassed and rejected. My bubble has burst, always a painful experience. What I thought was, wasn't. The people I thought were my friends, are not. My "Family" is just a collection of people who work together. I am embarrassed that I caused someone else to be upset. I am betrayed and rejected that they didn't come to me. I am hurt that they could have ruined my career simply because they were offended. They will probably be over it quickly. I will not. My offense probably had no long lasting effects on their life and certainly did not contain the potential for ruin. Their response does have long lasting effects and had the potential for significant ruin. I feel alone, not knowing who it is safe to talk around. I have resorted to being professional and closed, out of fear that I may offend. It hurts.

Once again in my life I have been left alone. Not knowing to whom I may turn, not having anyone I can call friend or family. Life sucks, but it must go on. Life is, for me, colorful and full of loss.