I really don't see or understand the concept of hope.  I preach it, but I don't feel it.  I look at my face in the mirror and what I see repulses me.  I see a weak willed hollow excuse for a human with little or no possibility for redemption or progress.  Why can I not just accept that my purpose is to generate funds for others, and that's all.  Love? Not in my path...who would actually choose to be with me.  If they are that short sighted and stupid that they would have me, could I be with them?  Pathetic. Weak.  Lazy.  Incomprehensibly shallow.  I deserve nothing.  Why do I expect then, why do I worry? Why am I?

Is it wrong to expect?  Trying to live without expectation is proving to be difficult, and is it really something that is worthwhile, something for which I should be seeking?  Or is it another way to indulge in fear.  If I don't expect of others, I won't be disappointed.  Am I really just afraid of the discomfort and pain of disappointemt?  Am I really just afraid that by expecting, I could feel anger when my expectations are not met?  I know that whatever expectations I have must be tempered in reality and not overly selfish.  Perhaps that is what I shoulf strive for instead of having no expectations, hopes or dreams. 

I just got off of the phone with a very dear friend.  I explained to her that I wanted to try something new in my life...to live my life, not guided by fear, but by faith.  It will be a difficult job, because I am so used to being afraid, worried that I will make the wrong move, or say the wrong thing.  I'm afraid I will lose.  But haven't I already lost if I'm afraid to live?  I am thankful for my friends...from the one on the phone, to the ones who will never know, to the ones who read my drivel.  I think God is moving, or rather He has been moving and I am just catching on.  I trust that no matter what life has, God will provide.  He has, after all, placed some truly wonderful people in my life. 

I don't know if I will be happy or sad tomorrow.  I don't know if what little structure I have in my life will collapse or grow.  I don't know if my friendships will blossom or whither.  I don't know.  And I'm trying to be alright with that.  I don't have to be such a sad sack control freak...I just have to remember who really is in charge.

Thank God for the people in my life...may He bless them richly, keep them in His will and abide with them daily.

I'm running out of reasons.  Are there any?  I'm running out of everything.  I know I should have more faith, but I apparently do not.  Everything, even if looked at objectively, and I obviously can't, seems to point to destruction.  I don't see the point any more, is there one? And no, I'm not planning anything destructive, but the darkness creeps closer.  And yes, I realize how juvenile and emo and overly dramatic that sounds, but its what I see...

Of what use are accomplishments, achievements and remembrances without someone with whom to share them?  It seems that they just become meaningless stories we keep telling ourselves; an echo chamber with an audience of one.  I know friends count, but that someone special seems to add that undefinable something that makes it all worthwhile.  And the absence makes it seem that much more unimportant.  Or maybe I'm wrong.  Just a random thought I had while telling a story...

He'd closed his eyes for too long, but the breeze's effect on the chimes had been enchanting.  That and the happy chatter of the birds had lulled him into a delicious state of semi-conciousness.  But she was waiting, and that was one of her habitual complaints, that he kept her waiting. And that thought, more than the groaning of the passing motorcycle or the suddeness of the neighbour's radio, brought reality back to him.  She.  Her.  The woman who hated waiting, was just going to have to wait today, her last.

He'd decided last night, while they had kissed their goodbyes, that her time had come.  She'd grow too used to the current arrangement, and it was time for what she blithely called "a life changing moment," or some such psuedo-intellectualism.  He preferred the straight forward and called it her end.

He rose from the deck chair, lazily stretched and made his way inside.  He knew she would be waiting, her mouth full of offal, or at least that's what he pictured based upon what usually proceeded from her.  True to his predictions, he was always right where she was concerned, she stood in the frame of the kitchen door.  She.  Her.  And proceeded to make her best effort at castration.  Having long ago resigned himself to the subtleties of the neutered lifestyle, he just smirked through her efforts.  Darlin, he thought, you can't cut off what's already in your purse, and you look damn foolish tryin.  Anyway, it was time. 
He smiled to himself, but it sent a message anyway.  She paused mid tirade and just stared, unable to believe that he could smile at a time like this.  A time of utter crisis, the crisis of the wait.  He knew he had her at that pause.  His smile broadened, and it was done.  She was through.   He walked up to her and gently kissed her forehead.  It was the sweetest kiss he'd had in years. 

"I'll be ready in five," was all he said as he headed up the stairs.  He glanced down at her at the last moment, and caught her checking.  The look on her face was one of childlike bewilderment.  She just stood there, staring at her newly emptied purse, and she waited.

This line caught my attention today.  It made me stop and really think about its validity...

"If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life.  Even if you can't get together with that person."
-1Q84 by Haruki Murakami

It's the second half that grabs me...

Bubble bullets of love, he said.  Odd thing to say, but I knew what he meant.  Like some kind of crazy anti-emo thing, only, I don't know, friendly.  I just looked and tried to smile, not sure if I could fake it anymore....

Some people lock themselves in cages, afraid to venture forth from the safety of their homes.  Their own private Hell.  I carry mine with me...I'm a modern man on the go, I'm wireless and mobile, so I carry my Hell with me.  I'm locked inside my own mobile cage....

She felt a sudden twist.  A wrenching of her world, as the consequences of her actions settled in on her.  But she didn't care, she knew she was right.  Still, that nagging feeling that she'd overlooked something, a drip, drip, drip in her heart...

See if you can get through this poorly constructed metaphor: A man has but one task, to climb the hill. He struggles and struggles to climb the rock face. At some point he may choose a climbing companion, someone to watch his ropes and to have his back. It's not long before the man realizes that he us surrounded by thousands, perhaps millions, of faceless people, all throwing stones, tearing at his path, his ropes, his handholds, everything. More often than not, his climbing companion decides to chuck it all in and cuts his life life...seems there us always a better climber one hill over. The man realizes that his struggles seem meaningless and turns to his creator...who tells him to keep climbing. And what's at the top? I'm not sure I care anymore what's at the top. I'm tired of climbing this rock...

Life only happens in movies. It's only there that the sweet, nice guy gets noticed by the girl. In real life, the nice sweet guy just pisses life away, wishing things were somehow different. The idiotic things the nice guy says in the movies gets him the sweetheart, in reality he's laughed at by people he thought were friends. And yet the nice guy can't bring himself to treat women like objects, can't bring himself to be an ass. So the girl leaves with the tough guy asshole....


Screw it, as if it ever mattered....

I may be a little slow, but I was thinking today about why I feel so insecure about the kids. It seems that I start to worry and get upset if I think that I have made them unhappy. I don't like feeling that way, and frankly it felt a bit immature. Then I hit upon the idea that I am afraid that if I don't do just right, that they will stop loving me like their mom did. And that struck a chord....it felt right. So, now that I have made that realization, I guess I will have to learn to trust that their love is not as mercurial and will perhaps survive. Problem is, I still struggle with the why's of being loved, instead of just accepting that it is true. Head games I know. And man did I sure allow myself to become screwed up by this woman. I'm not blaming her, I actively participated.....live and grow I suppose.

Ok. Enough is enough. It is long past time to give up this self-pity-woe-is-me-pathetic-I'm-a-zombie crap. I think it is time to turn that corner. It is all but a done deal. The court date is set, and I am actually looking forward to the slight possibility that someone could care about me again. (Didn't say I wasn't going to be self centered anymore!)I think I can start to dream again.

Funny things happen to a man who is alone. He begins to think he is normal. That all his oddities are the way things ought to be. He begins to think he can do things, things he would never have done before. He begins to think things, things that are strange. And he commits them too. And he just....continues.

I'm really just tired of the shit filled hole that I've created out of my life. I feel like just a fuckin waste....

I would suggest that anyone just give up on me, please, I'm not worth it in any way.

Life is a cruel birch. I was gonna say bitch, but I was auto corrected to birch and I think I like it better. Yes, life is an angry, angry tree with skin condition. In the last 20 or so years, I have met exactly two women that make me feel happy just by being around them. Two. One doesn't want me and has turned happiness to the deepest of sorrows. The other I can't be with for any number of reasons. Life sucks. Or maybe it's just me.

A list of things I've decided I don't believe in anymore. This is subject to change at my whim.


Hope
Human Love
Self worth
Future
Rational consistency
Friendship
Institutions
Me
Celebrating the "holidays"
Concept of "home"

I have a friend, we'll just call her M, that I rather like. She is currently seeing someone and asked that "other" why he liked her. The response involved something about making him laugh, something he'd not done in a long time. A very sweet and heartfelt response, I am sure, as I have only experienced him as a nice guy. But it got me to think, what would I have said? What follows is my attempt to answer that question.

Please forgive, M, if this list seems impertinent or brash, but it is made up of what I have seen, heard, and felt.

You are beautiful. And not only physically, but of the heart. You let it show through when you think no one watching.
You have a wonderful cynicism. Odd to say, I know, but there it is.
You have an under appreciated gift of sarcasm, or you're often sardonic, I get them confused, but you know what I mean. Not a weak defense mechanism by any stretch, but an appreciation for life as it is, without giving in to hopelessness. An appreciation of the idiocies of life.
You are intelligent and it is a joy talking of higher things with you.
You are not full of yourself and it is a joy speaking of the lower things in life with you.
You have an infectious laugh, and yes, you make people laugh (in the right way). Wonderful quality, that.
You are witty, charming, have a beautiful smile, and barely disguised sweetness ( I think at times you try to hide it, but to no avail).
You care about people, and not just those people that can do something for you. You care about those that cannot and do not care for themselves.
You are a gamer girl, after that, what more really needs to be said?
You have a great smile.

I guess I could keep going on, but I think you get the point. I hope that your guy sees these things and more...

I've screwed my life up so badly, I wish someone wiser than me would take it over. Why can't I bequeath what remains of my life to someone far more deserving?

Felicitas solus meus est calamitas

I think that, a few well placed word to the contrary, I am a continual disappointment to God. I base this on my apparent lack of trust, in that I feel empty, hollow and alone. Despite what I believe to be true, I continue to fear and dread each day. Instead of being filled with joy and thanksgiving, I selfishly focus on my misery and heartache. I can't seem to move past that point, thus I am that most dispised of things, a zombie. Once full of life, now hating it. I wish God would end my existence. Sadly, I don't even know what to pray for, what I want or what to do anymore. I'm glad nobody reads this, because if they did, I wouldn't be able to live in the fantasy that maybe what I write isn't true. Skip it, I don't deserve to be happy or with someone and that's just the way it is for me.