Acouple-a Years Ago...

I was thinking about what I would like my obituary or tombstone to say. Or maybe just what I would be remembered for, if remembered at all. I know, but I am a morbid person at times. Anyway, I came down to three things that I wanted people to think of me and I thought it would be just the height of hilarity to see if I am currently meeting those thoughts or goals.

He was a man of God
Failing. No question. Failing. I no longer go to church. I no longer read the Bible as I should - or at all. I no longer pray as I should - mostly not at all. I have been mad at God, angry for my life and the way it is turning out. I no longer feel the Holy Spirit moving in me. I feel a hunger I suppose, but do nothing about it. My most recent prayers I did ask for God to help me to forgive and move on - to forgive me for my own "acting out." All in all, I am failing, but I do not want to anymore. So what will I do about it?

He was a good Husband
I am unsure what grade I would give myself. I feel that I have certainly made huge mistakes, but I have worked very hard to correct these mistakes. If my impending divorce is any measure, I am a miserable failure and very much feel the part. I have, however, come to some peace in the last couple of years in that regard. I feel that I have been a good husband and did my best most of the time. I am loving, compassionate, giving, etc. Have I been perfect - no one has. Have I been great, no. I am fully aware of my shortcomings and ironically it is that awareness that actually drives me to greater shortcomings. I give myself a comfortable B, if not a low A. This of course is an average, for I have had plenty of C's and F's along the way.

He was a good Father
Here, I think I pass with flying colors. I do not think I am the best there ever was, but I am certainly a very good Father and Dad to my kids. I have tried to do the right things and I have failed at them. My positives, though, far outweigh the negatives. The oldest son may disagree - but I think as he matures beyond who he is now and deals with his personal 'demons' he will appreciate that I was and am a good Dad. I have made a concerted effort to correct my mistakes along the way, and to always be there for them. I have been harsh and a disciplinarian. I have also been accused of being too easy at times. Overall, a high A is the grade I would give myself.

So. An F, a B and an A. Am I passing? No, I don't think so, but I am improving. A few months back (6-12) I would have said F, F, A. I know the further changes I have to make, but it is always the implementation of those ideas and goals that are the hardest. Wish me luck as I try to improve my Tombstone GPA.