...Randomnonsense II

I cannot help it. I am frustrated by my constant staring down at he bottom half of life. And yet, I struggle to be happy. I am frustrated by the Limbo of a life that I have and I rail against my ability to change it. I know I can change things, quite dramatically, but I lack the courage. I could leave, sign the papers and go about my life. Too scared. I do not want to leave the kids behind, and I use that as an excuse to continue living as I am living. I feel quite guilty thinking it would be easiest to leave everything behind, but I cannot do without my kids. They are my only life.

Strange how things grow cold. I was thinking about what I would change if I could go back 10 years. Fruitless. I wonder how things will be in 10 years. Equally fruitless. I think I think too much and I let that drag me down. Maybe I was thoughtless and that is why I am here. I dunno anymore.

Confidence is a two edged sword and I do not know how to wield it. I frequently cut myself and my friends.

I want to love and be loved. Why can't I wait. Am I that desperate and needy? Or am I simply starving after over 2 years of doing without?

I miss physical contact. Me. The guy that doesn't like to hug and likes to maintain a good social distance to people. Am I just whining about what I cannot have, or am I thirsty from almost 2 years without?

I whine a lot and it is draining. I feel like JD on the latest episode of Scrubs.

I feel about 17 years younger than I am.

I want to date, but not really. I think it is symptom or a result of living the way I do and wanting more. Someone wise reminded me to finish one relationship before starting another. Don't want to rush and perhaps further my dependency needs.

I have a lot to offer, very little of it is in cold hard cash. I make a decent salary, but send all of it away to various institutions (read bills) and student loans - yes, student loans. I may die before my student loans do.

I should listen to my own advise.

365 Frames of Freedom is a fun blog to read. She usually has some music I've never heard of. Makes me feel insular and acultural. Oh well. The blog, by the way is on Yahoo 360

Upon entering the Twilight Zone, I think I would marry Jennifer Aniston. Not just because of her looks - Angelina Jolie is good looking, better according to some, and I would not want to have a relationship with her - but because she seems honestly nice. I hope reality is close to my perception. I remember seeing and reading about Chevy Chase. While he is very funny, it is diminished by what I perceive as him having a jerk of a personality. I hope in this case reality is far from what I have perceived.

I enjoy Blue October. The lyrics speak to me (how cliche) and the main singer and lyricist seems to have overcome a lot of adversity.

I have very fond memories of my first girlfriend. I find that I wish her the best of everything. I want her marriage to remain strong and her kids to achieve wildly. I hope that this type of mature, non-romantic love can someday fill my heart for my soon to be X. Right now I suffer through the loss of the romantic kinda love and it hurts like hell. I don't want hatred or anger or resentment to grow in its place; I want to mature love to grow. I hope I am man enough to nurture that love. I feel that I was not man enough to nurture the other and thus the marriage failed, but maybe this is only a partial truth and I should just get over it now.