In church today, I was reminded of somethings. First and foremost, I was reminded that I am supposed to keep my eyes on God. If I will keep my eyes on the Prize, so to speak, it will be easier to put up with all of life's frustrations. As the preacher said, sometimes we let the cares of the world prevent us from growing in Christ. I am certainly guilty of that. I have been mad at God, disappointed and have lost much of my faith. I want God to fix things, to provide miracles, but I have been unwilling to give Him His time to do whatever it is He is going to do. I still believe that God does NOT believe in divorce. I have not considered it my ministry or my cross to bear, but perhaps it is. Maybe long suffering is supposed to be my lot. Point is I don't know, but I haven't given God the opportunity to let me know. I should experience joy daily, but I don't. I should experience His love daily, but I don't. I am left cold and alone, wondering if God will provide a miracle in my life. I have sunk about as low as I can go in my life. I feel hopeless and faithless, but for the first time in a long time today, I felt as if God cared. Why?
I DO want to have my marriage back, but I have to wait on God and my wife. I will not abandon her. I have not abandoned her, no matter what she's done thus far. It is just really hard to hear her get a phone call, with the voice of a male on the other end, and for her then to spend significant time outside talking to that person. It is hard to feel rejected on a daily basis. It is hard to know she doesn't want me around. But maybe that was the point of the sermon this am. There will ALWAYS be something that will be hard or painful. How would I feel if I could do as God said and keep my eyes on Him? How much better would I feel on a day to day basis if I were to truly embrace the whole Lilly of the field philosophy?? I imagine it would be a whole lot better. Once again, I have to ask what is wrong with me?
In reflection, over the past several years, I would have to say that I have backslidden (is that a word??) or fallen from grace. I can remember how close I felt to God, how I actually felt He was listening to what I had to say. I can remember moving forward. I think it was then that the Devil started coming after me and the marriage. Has he won, sometimes I wonder. Have we, my wife and I, handed the victory to our enemy? It seems so very clear now, in retrospect. I know that God can take what looks like a defeat, a death and bring victory to it. That is the heart of the Christian mystery, isn't it? How, when everything looked defeated and Jesus hung dead on a cross, God was actually accomplishing a victory. God's victory was sealed at the very moment all of Jesus' followers saw defeat. Mysterious ways, indeed.
I have to refocus and grow. It will be and is very hard. I know what my heart desires; I know that God has promised me good things here and in Heaven; I know that he mourns my marriage as much as I do. I just want to see His victory. And what a message it would send, what a testimony it would be, to have a marriage that God so obviously healed. And it would be God, because there is nothing I can do, nothing humans can do.
If you read this, and if you believe in Jesus, please pray for me. If you read this and you don't believe in Jesus, please search your heart and the Bible and see that He is a real and ready to be there for you. I am only now starting to remember that fact.
1 comment:
Mom had me read this about a week ago, and since then I have come back every so often to see what you write. The first time I went through I cried, not from pity or for your pain, but because of the beauty. I mean, GOD, you're amazing. Beyond that, I wish I could fix it all for you; because I'm just like my mother and that's what we try to do. You've always been my buddy, and to read about your pain and how little you seem to think of yourself... it kills me. I know nothing I say could ever change how you feel. Nothing anyone could say will fix it or make you see what you need to. Your mind is beautiful, your heart is so big, you're a genius in my book. You are smart, funny, sweet, and ANY woman would be lucky to have you. You can't see that? I feel honored to know you. Miracles happen, but this life is torture. It takes two. What of she never wants to fix it? What if she never changes? God would ask that you try to maintain your marriage, but I can't believe that he would ask you to beat the crap out of this dead horse. I hope that isn't taken harshly, but I just think you're amazing and you deserve happiness. Now I KNOW you've heard that before. Maybe the first step here should be working to see yourself in a better light, like everyone else (besides your wife) does. You're loved. Love yourself, please, and realize how much better your life could be without all the hurt. She's already abandoned you, it seems. Like I said, I wish I could fix it. And I know it's a million times more complicated than I can ever imagine, but first step here... see what we see.
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