Sitting alone in the dark for so many years, I had no choice but to start to eat the darkness. I breathed it in and used it to sustain me. You don't think of the consequences when you do that sort of thing, you only think about surviving the day. If I had it to do over, I would like to think I would have allowed myself to starve to death; I would have allowed myself to suffocate rather than take in the dark. You see, when you use something to sustain you, it becomes part of you. Bit by bit, atom by atom, cell by cell, you become that which you consumed. It really is true that you are what you eat.

But what happened to the light? I used to be sitting in a well lit room. I used to know what direction I was to go in. I used to know where tthe handhold were if I should stumble. I used to know a lot of things. I can't say when it happened. I can't point to a time and say that was when my world became dark. I know when the earthquake hit. I know when the tsunami ran through my life, I know the disaster points. What I don't know is exactly when I stopped seeing the light. You see, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the light is there. I just cannot see it. I exist in the dark, and I am willing to bet that it is my fault. I know fault is something we don't like to assign, but there it is - my fault. Did I give up on the light? Perhaps. Do I believe that the light can still show me the way, warm me and destroy the dark? Yes. Why then do I sit in the dark.

Is it self pity? I don't think so. I know the subtitle of this blog references self pity, but I think I have gone beyond that. You see I earnestly believe I don't deserve pity - from me or others. I am not sure what I deserve, but it is not pity. At any rate, I found myself sitting in the dark. Or perhaps I didn't find myself, which sounds so innocent and sweet, but I rather woke up to the fact that I had gotten myself into the dark.

No matter how much of the dark I try to destroy; no matter how much of the dark that I consume in an effort to control it; no matter what I do to the dark, I cannot stop it from ultimately consuming me. I feel it crawling inside, weighing down my chest, covering my eyes and plugging my ears. I feel it plundering my soul, isolating me and rejecting me at the same time. I feel it destroying me, and I don't care. I have lived in my dark for so long that I just don't care what it does anymore.

The funny thing, in a non-humorous way, about the dark is the type of vision it gives you. You can see all about you, without seeing what is really important. You can't see the handholds or the life lines, but you can in nightmarish stark clarity what you have lost. You can also see what you are going to lose. You see hope impaled on reality, you see dreams trampled beneath the jackboots of life, you see faith burned at the stake. The dark also brings with it un-welcomed visitors. The creatures that the light would destroy, find haven in the dark. And you are becoming a creature of the dark yourself. You can feel the flaying touch of the whips of remorse, the stinging bite of the flail of guilt, the piercing and scratching claws of failure. And you see what you are becoming, because you are the one cracking the whips, swing the flail and growing out the claws.

I know what you are thinking. "How can you be so bloody selfish!" "What about the kids?" And honestly, I don't know how to best answer. I do have the sense that the kids are going to be alright. I do know that I do a good job of not allowing the darkness that I see and feel and consumed touch my kids. I smile and play and joke and do all the right things - within the the normal human failings. Still, I think I do OK. But the dark is still there, diminishing me. And to address the selfishness...I have no defense, other than to say that I have been a human doormat for a long time. So is it really selfishness when all you can see is the dirt people drop on you, all the crap people wipe all over you, as they proceed into their separate lives? I don't know.

If you have the fortitude, forgive me for writing this. I know there is light out there and that is may even be shining on me, but I just don't see it. I feel consumed by my dark and see no surviving hope or dreams. If you have anything left, indeed, if you have read this far without giving up in disgust ( who would blame you??), pray for me. That is all I have left.

And apologies to all those that I have wronged. My sins are legion and I hope God is willing to forgive me again. I will write again soon, hopefully I will be in a better place, but life has to go on. I need a miracle, so please pray for me.