OK, I'd said I would give his idea a try. It sounded good, all those possibilities laying at my feet. I looked at him and wondered if he was pulling something over my eyes, but I reached down anyway. I straightened up and looked at what I'd grabbed. A sea urchin, and a dead one at that. The next thought that registered was the pain of one of its spines sticking out of my hand. I looked at him, pleading for him to do something as he reached up to remove the urchin. Don't forget, that although there are millions of possibilities laying there at your feet, there are also dangers. The world is not perfect, he reminded me. Nor should any metaphor. You have to be aware of where you are and what is at your feet and not blindly grab at the first thing you feel - you might get stung. The pebbles and possibilities are still there, but watch out for the traps and dangers laying around as well. Be choosy about what you are after and reduce your risk of injury. But don't be too afraid of hurting yourself, or else you'll never reach out in the first place and you miss even the most elemental of possibilities. Why, I wondered, couldn't he have told me to watch out before I got stuck. He seemed to know what I was thinking, but only smiled that enigmatic grin of his and walked on.

This Gordon Lightfoot song pretty much says how I feel much of the time. Never a big fan of Gordon Lightfoot, but he hit this one on the head.

Look at it this way, he said. Each pebble or stone on the beach is a potential, a possibility. You crush dozens under your feet every time you take a step. Some may cause you to stumble or twist your ankle. Others come large as boulders and can either block your way or can, once surmounted, provide a better view of the landscape. All these pebbles, they look different - different colors, shapes and textures. You never know which are gonna be good or bad until you lift 'em up and take a look at them. Some you toss some away and they go plunk in the water. Others skip across the water and you say to yourself that you wish you could find another like it 'cause it skipped so well and made you happy. But the point is, really, that all these possibilities are just lying at your feet, ready to be picked up. And they've been here waitin' for you. God put them here ages ago, knowing you were goin' to be walking by someday, and that you would need them.

Sometimes an errant phrase will just pop into my mind and will set up camp. I can't shake the thought or ignore it. I am not talking about all the navel gazingly negatives I have been dwelling on, but rather truly random thoughts or images put to words. I cannot ignore them; I often have just as much trouble growing them further.

The leaf green trees bend in the wind

Where do these things come from? Sometimes they grab hold and refuse to let go, keeping me from thinking other things. Sometimes they sound good the first time, and the second time they stink. Sometimes the good ones come and go so fast I can barely remember them. I try to reconstruct them later, but usually without success.

Twisted toes and twinkling twilight makes me smile into the night

The tone varies from idiocy to depressive to barely literate middle school prose. You will have to be the judge, as I have lost perspective for most of this. I guess I will just have to keep listening for them and write them down, hoping for a gem. But like all gems, the quality ones will be very rare, and typically not on display is a piece of fluff.

Farnot and Eve point the way. Waving and saying goodbye.

I can understand why people drink, smoke pot, do crack - at least those that do it to forget or use it as a salve. I have never used - never. I know it is hard to believe, but I haven't used any drugs and I rarely drink alcohol. But it is an easy escape and I wish sometimes that I could take it. Culturally, everyone say it is OK. But I know it is not - I have seen the results. Still, I can understand the temptation.

I thought of making two lists. Things I deserve, and things I don't think I will have. The things I deserve include love, tenderness, romance, walks on the beach (yes, I have a very definite feminine side), laughing with someone special, flirty looks with someone I love, to hold the hand of someone special, hugs, kisses, companionship, cuddling (feminine side!), to be adored, support, forgiveness, a shoulder to cry on, someone to share my life with, someone to share my heart with who will appreciate it, hope, peace, someone to tell me I can make it, someone to remind me of my strengths, someone to remind me to work on my weaknesses, a smile in the morning, the guilty pleasure of watching the person you love laugh & sleep & breath & smile & eat & think, someone to argue with that will still love me when its over, someone.

The second list, the things I don't think I will have is, as it turns out, the same as the first list.

Warning:Mass Confusion Ahead

How can I express the anguish, panic, pain, frustration and fear I feel if I can't explain why I feel that way. I don't want to explain because of , what, pride or respect or I simply don't know. A part of me has been torn and for the first time I don't know if I can fix it. I don't know where to turn or what to say. I have gotten through so much and now to be confronted with something I had already known - NOW I'M THROWN FOR A LOOP????! How was I able to deal with the images, the betrayal, the loss of self image, the f ' ing situation before and not now? I just want this to be done and in the past. God, please take this from my mind and help me forgive! Help me get passed! Help me, PLEASE!

Take this burden and this pain of the spirit and so me how to forgive. Show me how to move forward toward YOU and your grace. Take these images from my head and purify my spirit. Protect me from this attack - I cannot do this....

God, I need your grace. I need the peace of Christ to wash over me. Forgive me for having these thoughts and doubts.

God, please..................................................................................................................................

Being confronted with something that you've "known" to be true can be devastating. While simply "knowing" it can provide grief and pain, the truth of it, when fully understood can wreck you. I have "known" some things for some time now, but those things were brought from my fevered imagination of "knowing" to the full light of day recently. And I regret ever having "known" - then or now.

On to a different, yet equally morbid, topic: nightmares. I have never been one to have many nightmares. In fact, I can still remember 2 of my worst. The first I define as a nightmare simply because it was boring. It was as a child and I had just watched a TV show that involved Chinese labor in railroads and mines. The whole nightmare consisted of row upon row of workers going back and forth with picks and loads of dirt. I can remember wishing I could get out of the dream. The second - which I have had on more than one occasion - involved my dorm in college. I was in my room when the radio changed channels on its own. As I walked over I began to be pulled down through the floor and into Hell. I have rarely felt so frightened.

Recently, I have had several dreams that I would consider nightmare and have woken from them scared, demoralized and depressed. They involved my wife.

The first was generally about her making me look like a bad parent in order to get the kids in court. I cannot stress enough that this was a dream - she HAS NOT made any effort to make me look bad in any context in regard to the kids. The second dream involved her trying to convince me that an affair was over while secretly going on with it behind my back. To the best of my knowledge, this too is just a dream and not a reality. Nightmares. Demoralizing and depressing and a reflection of my stress and worries. I hope to leave these in the realm of dreams and I will work to keep myself from dragging my fears into the waking world.

In honor of 43 years, here is a website I found: http://www.43things.com/

I just realized that life is a fan of Blondie. How else to explain life constantly singing:

One way or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha...

Research seems to show that having someone to look up to, a role model, can help build resilience. Resilience helps us weather storms and trauma in our lives and seems to be an important factor in survival. I am lucky, I have two.

Neither one was famous, but each touched the lives of many. The nation and world at large may forget who they were, may never have truly known them, but I won't. One I knew a brief time, the other for much of my life. They were my dads.

We often forget how important dads can be. I do not want to offend anyone, but I think today we minimize and belittle the male role in the family. In our rush to be supportive of single mothers, we have left behind the fathers and dads. I know, we have Father's Day, but it is a tiny reflection of Mother's Day - almost an afterthought. I do not want to diminish mothers, Mother's Day or females here; I believe we should celebrate our sisters, wives, mothers and daughters with all the fervor and adoration we can muster. It's just that I think we need to do the same for our fathers and dads. And yes, I make a distinction between fathers and dads: The father is the biologic guy, the male genetic half and the dad is the guy that raised you. I would hope that these two would more and more be the same guy, but I digress.

For me, my dad and father were two different people. My biologic parents were divorced when I was quite young and I do not remember him. My dad, I remember. He was not perfect, he was not some 1950's image of fatherhood. He was, though, right for me. Maybe someday I can be more specific, but the man he was is something that I have aspired to. I do not think I am there, and will never know if I make it. I can only guess at what he would say of my life and its direction. I have not lived up to some standards, but I think I have surpassed in others. It is my understanding of some of his core beliefs, that has held much of me together and forced me to push forward. Even when I am gripped by the morose feelings that inspired my last post about being a failure.

My second role model and inspiration was my father-in-law. It seems that I knew him for such a short time before he passed away. I feel intimately connected to him, though. I feel as if I was truly his son, and I thank him for making me feel that way. He was different from my dad, but in my mind the two were complimentary. Where one lagged, the other excelled. It is really hard to express in words exactly what I mean; it is difficult to distill how these two men complimented each other.

It amazes me how these two men can sum up for me the essence of fatherhood. The rich vision of responsibility and joy that is fatherhood seems complete in these two. They are my heroes and I miss them.

It is not uncommon in some Christian circles to talk of the enemy coming against you. By this it is meant that hardships and difficulties in ones life represent an attack of the enemy; an attempt to pull us away from the grace of God. I do not discount this idea and believe that it does happen. Standing here, looking in the mirror, I have come to see that I have reached this point in my life, not because of an attack of the enemy, but because of me. My one unerring gift seems to be to make bad choices. In making those choices, I become a failure. In becoming a failure, I have become who I am today.

I have failed as a husband. I have failed as a father. I have failed financially. I have failed in business. I am a failure at work. I have failed socially. I have failed on an interpersonal level. I have failed spiritually.

I am not asking for pity or comment. I am not asking for recognition. I am not asking for people to tell me about what they perceive as my successes. I am not fishing for compliments. I am looking in the mirror. And I do not like what I see.

I have tried to change, and have failed. I have tried to correct my path, and have failed.

I do not know where to turn or to hide. I am a pariah in love, relationships, socially, and to an extent at work. I have no home, just a dwelling. There is no place for me; I do not fit in.
I will go on, because I have to go on. I will continue the charade and hope I produce as little damage as possible to the people that I touch. I can only hope that tomorrow I will feel differently.

Coincidence is a marvelous thing. It is one of those things that make you second guess the world and the way it runs. It strengthens the perception that other forces are at work around you. I had one of those coincidences today. I was thinking about parts of my life, past and present and then I read the following from a book I am reading:

"With women the best part is the discovery. There's nothing like the first time, nothing. You don't know what life is until you undress a woman for the first time. A button at a time, like peeling a hot sweet potato on a winter's night" - The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon, p91

Now, I am not going to say what I was thinking, but this statement made me smile. It is a small, but simple truth. And it is the small and simple truths that I miss in my life. Perhaps that was what I was thinking about...

Silver and Gold

What is it that we are searching for? What is that thing that will, we believe, enrich us? There is something, of that I am certain. It is the thing that will make a poor man rich; that can, when properly applied, save millions from desperate situations. It can put a spring in your step and make you feel fashionable. It can dress you up and fill you up. It is the foundation upon which so much of this world is built.

Lets face it, we don't want to admit it, but it is true. It is elusive and requires a lot of work to acquire. But once we have it, it grows. It works for you. What you have becomes exponentially greater. It spins the world on its axis and is involved in almost every human interaction. Its presence or absence is keenly felt - we can tell the haves from the have-nots. In this, the rich truly get richer and the poor, poorer.

When you have this thing, people covet it. They want to steal it from you. They want you to be poor, just as they are. They hate to see you have it, but they can't stand it if you just give it away. What is it, this thing that people can generate, share, give, steal, covet and work to destroy?

Silver and Gold.

The Silver of Hope and the Gold of Faith.

Obvious, wasn't it.

Bit over done on my part, but true none the less. Sorry for all the saccharine "feel-goodness," but there it is.

I could always use a donation, if you've some to share. And unlike money, the more you give the more you find you have.

To paraphrase a line from Lost: You've been so busy running from things that you don't see what you're running toward. I know I've not gotten the quote exactly as presented on the show, but this is close enough. I won't bore you with details if you don't watch the show, but I have to wonder if Desmond would have done the things he did if he knew he would end up on the island. I guess the question answers itself, since he did pay attention to what he was going toward later in the show and made a very difficult (for him) choice.

The larger, unanswerable, question is how many of us would stop running if we knew what we were headed for? The future is unknowable, but not "unguessable." The trouble, as I see it today, is that there are so many independent and dependant variables that it is really difficult to know where the path will lead. Do we simply stop running? Does that imply loss of forward motion? I don't think it does (imply loss of forward motion). If we stop running and deal with our problems, perhaps we can make greater forward progress. Sometimes, of course, it is prudent to run from some problems, lest the lion devour us. I have to ask myself if I am running from something, and if so, what.

"How did we get it so wrong?"

This was one of the questions the preacher asked last Sunday, Palm Sunday. He was discussing what the people had thought would be and how different the reality of Christ actually was.

"He came to bring relationship."

Another main point of the sermon.

"...they were one week from the curtain in the Temple being torn."

These statements, when taken together, made me think. Yes, obviously, I was thinking about the sermon and about Palm Sunday, but also about life in general. There are many times in my life when I have had to ask how I had gotten it so wrong. My current relationship is one. How could I have been going on blindly and not see the truth? I think we see what we want to see; we see what we hope to see. It is painful to admit that sometimes the true plan of God is so much different than anything we see or hope for. We go about our lives not knowing that tremendous events may be taking place and the culmination of those events may happen quite soon. The people certainly did not expect the Temple curtain to be torn and God's sacrifice to be made in a weeks time. They wanted a conquering hero - or so I have been taught. Christ came, He was a conquering hero, but not in the way he was expected. I want and expect a certain outcome from God - what if what He has planned is so radically different from my earthly ideas? Will I be able to meet His expectations? Will I be able to survive the implementation of His plan? Will I have the faith to believe that whatever He has planned is in my best interest? Will I have to spiritual strength to live whatever amount of time I have left without knowing the plan? I mean, what if the plan only culminates at my death or in Heaven? What if there is not an earthly solution? Do I have the faith? I admit, many times I am afraid I do not. The answer lies in the second sentence. If I have a strong relationship with God, with Jesus, then the faith and strength will be there. And that should be my focus. Pray I can maintain my focus.

Even More Random Thoughts

Ever get a song, or even a fragment of a song stuck in your head? Of course you have, unless you live a music free life, which would be horrible. These are some lines of songs that have been floating around in my head lately. I don't remember song titles, but I will list the artist if I know it. "I hope she knows I have this memory" - Blue October. "When they come for me I'll be sittin' at my desk with a gun in my hand, wearin' a bullet proof vest, thinkin' my, my, my how the time does fly when you know your gonna die by the end of the night" - Streetlight Manifesto. "My words, they pour, like children to a playground, children to a playground" - Blue October. Yeah, I've been listening to a lot of Blue October. My favorite song, currently, is Breakfast After Ten. "Hang up the phone!"

Betrayal. It is all around us, inhabits us and is part of us. We betray, sometimes innocently and without purpose. Sometimes deliberately. Sometimes we betray by running away from something else and run headlong into betrayal. When it comes, it comes with force. It pounds and crushes our spirit. It is relentless in its pursuit of our destruction. I have betrayed, without wanting to, but I will not say that I was innocent. I betrayed out of fear and laziness. Someone dear to me gave me the opportunity to go beyond where I was, to take up a task for her that was overwhelming her and I agreed to do so. Ultimately, I lied; I did not go and she was crushed. And now I am being left. She has betrayed - she has in my estimation lied. I do not count her as innocent. The question is, did she mean it and how long will it continue. Probably for however long our dying relationship has to go. I am sick of swimming in the blackness of betrayal and I desperately want to come up for air.

I have always* said that life is not fair. Now I know that what I've been saying is true. I have been thinking of the basic unfairness of my life, and I feel petty doing so. I whine about things: "it's not fair that the woman who never wanted kids is going to take them away, at least part time, from the man for whom kids are his life"; "It's not fair that I have to go through this situation that I never wanted." The list could go on. And, yes I know it is not fair that a woman had to endure tremendous pressure feeling as if the man in her life wasn't there for her, etc.


So What?! People go through crap. Some people, I would venture most people, in this world go through much worse crap than I have to. I realize that thinking about the pain of others is cold comfort when you are hurting or feeling sorry for yourself, but in the bright light of the day I have to realize that while my pain is significant to me, it is nothing in the realm of possible pain. Yes, I have lost my wife. Yes, I am losing my home. Yes, I have lost my pride. Yes, I am losing some face time with my kids. No, these are not the worst pains in the world, only my world.

I have to reach up and move beyond my pain. I have to understand that pain is a part of life and stop railing against it; that I should better spend my time learning to adjust, accommodate, and grow despite and because of the pain. I will fall, and I will fail, the ache in my heart will continue, but as long as I inch forward I can be OK. Now, If only I could get my heart to see what my head sees...


* Obviously not always, but rather a long time. I guess it is just easier to say "always" instead of saying "for a really long, but unspecified length of time."

Dear JCMY

There is so much I would like to say, but haven't the ability to say to so that you will hear it. This is just one way, I suppose, of rationalizing why I haven't said these things to you all at once. I hope you understand.

I still remember the day I met you. I had asked your mom for an introduction the night we'd first met and it was shortly after that you and I met. As the days and weeks went by, you easily climbed into my heart. I knew I was in trouble when you first called me dad. I have been yours ever since. It doesn't matter one bit that you are not my biologic child, you are mine in so many more important ways. You, of all the boys, I chose. While I do not mean to diminish the love I hold for them, they did not offer the opportunity that you did - to chose to love someone, fully and wholly, without regret or condition. Perhaps this is silly distinction to you, but it is important to me. You were 18 months old when we met and I remember it like yesterday.

I freely admit that I made many mistakes with you. It is not an excuse, but I was a young and unprepared father. I guess just like every other father in the world. I remember trying to teach you things and to set boundaries. I want to ask you to forgive me for those mistakes. If I had it to do over again, I would have done some things differently. As I did them differently with your brothers. But I wish I hadn't made those mistakes. The memory of you crying, not understanding, still screams through my memory. I do not think I was cruel. I know I was loving and kind most of the time. I just wish I'd done some things differently. Truth be told, you probably have no idea what I am talking about. I ask for your forgiveness anyway.

I remember the joy you brought me as one of those young and unprepared fathers. I remember your sitter, who spoke only Spanish, passing on Spanish I could not understand. "bobpo's," and other words you knew and I did not. You were a beautiful child and it warms my heart to think back and remember those times. The baseball games, football games, rollerblade hockey, ice skating, world series games, everything. You opened whole worlds to me and I am thankful for that.

Enough memories, though, and on to the present. I wish you could see the ache in my heart. I wish you could see the desires I hold for you. I wish you could feel the hope I have for you. I wish you could understand the love I have for you. I wish you could see what I see.
In my heart and mind, you held so much promise. You athletic skill is great; I love that you can look at a football field and see it like a general sees a battlefield, and you adjust accordingly. You are intelligent. Maybe not in the tradition, straight A sense, but you are smart. You could argue a starving man out of his last piece of bread. You have the ability to listen to an argument and turn it around on you opponent. You are social and can easily fit yourself into many different situations and different strata of society. You are a hard worker and do an excellent job.

It saddens me that you are not living up to you abilities. I know, none of us can always live up to our potential and abilities. But at least we make a run at it. where as I think you run from it. I believe that it is never too late, and that you can do so much with what God has given you. I am not sure why you run from your potential, but I have some ideas. As always, feel free to correct me if necessary.

First, I think the death of your grandfather was devastating to you. I know you two were very close and his untimely passing , I believe, set in motion things you can barely describe, let alone manage. I think it made you teen years that much more difficult and unsteady. I think, by the way, that his death had a devastating effect on our family as a whole, but that is another topic. I think you still grieve, and to some extent do not know how to handle the pain and emotion, so you run from it. By running from it, you run from yourself, your responsibilities and your potential. You do things, you know what I am talking about, that help you to forget; or at least to push the pain and emotion to the side, so that it doesn't have to be dealt with.

Second, I think you are afraid to fail. This is a common enough emotion, but for some reason, it is magnified in you. Perhaps it is that you have succeeded so well in the physical challenges of your life - sports, physical tasks - that the prospect of failure is too much to consider. I don't think you realize that we push forward as much through our failures as our successes. I have failed miserably on any number of occasions. It helped make me who I am. What is important is not getting knocked off the horse, but how we get back on the horse - and keep getting on the horse until we succeed.

Third, I think you have given up on yourself. I think that you think no one believes in you, so why should you bother. I will take some blame. I have fallen into the pit of always hammering the bad that you do and not reminding you often enough of your potential. I am sorry. I think you think that you are not loved - more so after your grandfather died. But you are loved, and very much.

Lastly, I think you have given up on hope, at least to a certain extent. I know you have made statements that you no longer believe in God, Heaven of Hell. I think this is a reflection of two things. I think it is a side effect of a loss of hope, perhaps brought on by disappointment that God did not let Poppop live longer. I also think that, like many of us, when we are doing things we know to be wrong, we reject the final authority of right and wrong.

In summary, JCMY, I want you to know that I love you. I want you too see the young man I see - the young man buried beneath the exterior that you portray. I want you to see that you are handsome, intelligent, and blessed with numerous skills. I want you to see that you can and do bring so much joy to those around you. I also want you to stop running, to mature and to stop destroying yourself. I want you to stop doing those things that bring harm to you, discord to yourself and your family and limit your potential. I want you to do what you yourself stated a need to do: "...Wake the F*** UP!" I want you to get right with God. Make peace with Him and forgive Him. I want you to make peace with the death of your grandfather. I want you to make peace with what you call your demons, those demons that hold you back from being the person that you were meant to be. Mostly, I want you to succeed in your life, and by succeed, I mean to live a happy productive life, full of happiness and challenge.

I am here for you and will not go away. I will not always give you what you want, but the things that I do, I do out of Love for you and a desire to see the best in your life. Sure, I fail in my goals, but I will keep trying. I will try to be the best dad I can be, no matter what happens in this life. We will argue and fuss, we will disagree with actions you take and actions I take. We will yell at times. We will be at odds with one another, but all that is what life brings. Through it all, I love you and want you to succeed in your life. I will not tell you what dreams to pursue, or how to pursue them, except when I see the dream as self destructive and the way deadly. Otherwise, go after your dreams and be the man I know you can be.

Love,
Dad

Dreams

Are they curses?

I have dreamt of you twice, that I can recall. They have both bothered me, both in the usual ways, and ways I did not expect.

I am sitting in a chair, at home. You come in and kiss me. I don't know why, but you behaved as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I started to cry and remember thinking "is it really over?" "Are we getting back together?" As I started to cry, tears of pure joy from your kiss, I awoke...

And cried bitterly. I realized upon waking that it was just a dream. The pain was intense and the loneliness crushing.

I am laying in bed, in my usual sleep position. I notice you climbing in bed next to me and you cuddle up to me. I feel the softness of you on my back. I am happy. I missed you and it feels good to have you lay with me. It was a tender moment.

That morning I awoke, again feeling lonely and empty. I miss you dearly. I did not cry this time, because I know we are over. The brief spike in hope that the dream produced has bothered me, but I have had to let it go. I miss being touched, "spooning," and being tender. What amazed me about this dream? It had no sexual content or context. It was the simplest of joys - laying close and comfortable with another human, one you love.




Perhaps next time I can dream of my future and not my past. Maybe I can dream about what happiness my await me as I move forward and stop pining for a past I cannot regain.


When?
When will I stop loving you...