There is so much I would like to say, but haven't the ability to say to so that you will hear it. This is just one way, I suppose, of rationalizing why I haven't said these things to you all at once. I hope you understand.
I still remember the day I met you. I had asked your mom for an introduction the night we'd first met and it was shortly after that you and I met. As the days and weeks went by, you easily climbed into my heart. I knew I was in trouble when you first called me dad. I have been yours ever since. It doesn't matter one bit that you are not my biologic child, you are mine in so many more important ways. You, of all the boys, I chose. While I do not mean to diminish the love I hold for them, they did not offer the opportunity that you did - to chose to love someone, fully and wholly, without regret or condition. Perhaps this is silly distinction to you, but it is important to me. You were 18 months old when we met and I remember it like yesterday.
I freely admit that I made many mistakes with you. It is not an excuse, but I was a young and unprepared father. I guess just like every other father in the world. I remember trying to teach you things and to set boundaries. I want to ask you to forgive me for those mistakes. If I had it to do over again, I would have done some things differently. As I did them differently with your brothers. But I wish I hadn't made those mistakes. The memory of you crying, not understanding, still screams through my memory. I do not think I was cruel. I know I was loving and kind most of the time. I just wish I'd done some things differently. Truth be told, you probably have no idea what I am talking about. I ask for your forgiveness anyway.
I remember the joy you brought me as one of those young and unprepared fathers. I remember your sitter, who spoke only Spanish, passing on Spanish I could not understand. "bobpo's," and other words you knew and I did not. You were a beautiful child and it warms my heart to think back and remember those times. The baseball games, football games, rollerblade hockey, ice skating, world series games, everything. You opened whole worlds to me and I am thankful for that.
Enough memories, though, and on to the present. I wish you could see the ache in my heart. I wish you could see the desires I hold for you. I wish you could feel the hope I have for you. I wish you could understand the love I have for you. I wish you could see what I see.
In my heart and mind, you held so much promise. You athletic skill is great; I love that you can look at a football field and see it like a general sees a battlefield, and you adjust accordingly. You are intelligent. Maybe not in the tradition, straight A sense, but you are smart. You could argue a starving man out of his last piece of bread. You have the ability to listen to an argument and turn it around on you opponent. You are social and can easily fit yourself into many different situations and different strata of society. You are a hard worker and do an excellent job.
It saddens me that you are not living up to you abilities. I know, none of us can always live up to our potential and abilities. But at least we make a run at it. where as I think you run from it. I believe that it is never too late, and that you can do so much with what God has given you. I am not sure why you run from your potential, but I have some ideas. As always, feel free to correct me if necessary.
First, I think the death of your grandfather was devastating to you. I know you two were very close and his untimely passing , I believe, set in motion things you can barely describe, let alone manage. I think it made you teen years that much more difficult and unsteady. I think, by the way, that his death had a devastating effect on our family as a whole, but that is another topic. I think you still grieve, and to some extent do not know how to handle the pain and emotion, so you run from it. By running from it, you run from yourself, your responsibilities and your potential. You do things, you know what I am talking about, that help you to forget; or at least to push the pain and emotion to the side, so that it doesn't have to be dealt with.
Second, I think you are afraid to fail. This is a common enough emotion, but for some reason, it is magnified in you. Perhaps it is that you have succeeded so well in the physical challenges of your life - sports, physical tasks - that the prospect of failure is too much to consider. I don't think you realize that we push forward as much through our failures as our successes. I have failed miserably on any number of occasions. It helped make me who I am. What is important is not getting knocked off the horse, but how we get back on the horse - and keep getting on the horse until we succeed.
Third, I think you have given up on yourself. I think that you think no one believes in you, so why should you bother. I will take some blame. I have fallen into the pit of always hammering the bad that you do and not reminding you often enough of your potential. I am sorry. I think you think that you are not loved - more so after your grandfather died. But you are loved, and very much.
Lastly, I think you have given up on hope, at least to a certain extent. I know you have made statements that you no longer believe in God, Heaven of Hell. I think this is a reflection of two things. I think it is a side effect of a loss of hope, perhaps brought on by disappointment that God did not let Poppop live longer. I also think that, like many of us, when we are doing things we know to be wrong, we reject the final authority of right and wrong.
In summary, JCMY, I want you to know that I love you. I want you too see the young man I see - the young man buried beneath the exterior that you portray. I want you to see that you are handsome, intelligent, and blessed with numerous skills. I want you to see that you can and do bring so much joy to those around you. I also want you to stop running, to mature and to stop destroying yourself. I want you to stop doing those things that bring harm to you, discord to yourself and your family and limit your potential. I want you to do what you yourself stated a need to do: "...Wake the F*** UP!" I want you to get right with God. Make peace with Him and forgive Him. I want you to make peace with the death of your grandfather. I want you to make peace with what you call your demons, those demons that hold you back from being the person that you were meant to be. Mostly, I want you to succeed in your life, and by succeed, I mean to live a happy productive life, full of happiness and challenge.
I am here for you and will not go away. I will not always give you what you want, but the things that I do, I do out of Love for you and a desire to see the best in your life. Sure, I fail in my goals, but I will keep trying. I will try to be the best dad I can be, no matter what happens in this life. We will argue and fuss, we will disagree with actions you take and actions I take. We will yell at times. We will be at odds with one another, but all that is what life brings. Through it all, I love you and want you to succeed in your life. I will not tell you what dreams to pursue, or how to pursue them, except when I see the dream as self destructive and the way deadly. Otherwise, go after your dreams and be the man I know you can be.
Love,
Dad
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