What a price I paid for peace, at least in my own accounting. I sit here, feeling like an abject failure and it is my fault. I surrendered, I gave in, I laid down and willingly died...for what I thought you wanted. And you left.

When we met I was self confident. I knew myself, I made my own way. Sure, I had been hurt by a recent break-up, but I was still confident. I actually liked my self. I don't know when it happened, but I slowly gave up. I don't know if it was your constant insistence that you dad should be consulted about everything; I don't know if it was your growing insistence that YOU were always right; I don't know if it way your constant knit-picking and informing me that there was a better way than mine. But give up I did, and here is the result.

I question everything I think; I automatically defer to you as being more correct. I doubt myself, I hate myself, and I am unable to accept that it should be different.

I can't be mad at you. (Even now I defend you when some would say I should be angry.) I am the one who gave in and gave up. I allowed the change. I.

How will I find the strength to regain what I lost. No, not lost, gave away willingly. How can I go back to who I was without going backwards? How can I move forward through my self imposed/home-grown quicksand of doubt? How..?





Perhaps you are right to leave. Perhaps you are right to find what you would consider a "real man." Perhaps...