This past weekend was my anniversary weekend and I have been hesitant to write about it. It is strange that all this chaos has been going on for over 2 years, but this year it really bothers me. 3/7 was the anniversary of our meeting - 18 years ago. Hard to imagine, but this woman has spent approximately half of her life with me.

We met about three months before her 19th birthday. I and a friend had just come back from St. Louis where we'd seen REM in concert. It was a snowy weekend in Tulsa and most things were closed. We wanted to rent a video, so we went out to the video store. Not our regular one, no, one we hardly ever went to. J was working that night - called in from another store. She offered us some free videos if we helped straighten them, it was late, we were taking forever, and they wanted to leave. We took her up on the offer. We all then went to Denney's for a late night meal. This last part we rarely tell, because it makes us look bad - she came back to my apartment and the three of us watched movies until dawn. Whether you believe it or not, nothing inappropriate happened. I then stood out in the freezing cold and asked if I could see her again. We were married 1yr and 2days later on 3/9. Short courtship and engagement, but it seemed to do well - until now.

I look back on that time with such fondness. Our meeting. My proposal in the city Rose Gardens. The first time I told her I loved her. Night walks in downtown Tulsa. Planning the wedding. Financing the wedding with a JCPenney credit card and a little cash. Her dad married us. I very much loved her dad and miss him. He was hilarious at the wedding and at the rehearsals. All this makes this weekend special and Hell at the same time.

She left this weekend. Said on Wednesday that she had the opportunity to take a long weekend. Left Wednesday and returned Sunday night. Never told me where she went or with whom. She told the youngest she'd gone to ATL and I guess she figured he'd tell me. I am suspicious, but cannot dwell on it, it hurts too much to think what most people would be thinking.

The weekend is over and she is home now. Somehow, I feel worse. Odd, but I feel much more relaxed when she is gone. Maybe not so odd, given the circumstances. I want her home, but it stresses me. I guess it is that distance between what I want and reality and when she came home that reality became very apparent again.