Life is a cruel birch. I was gonna say bitch, but I was auto corrected to birch and I think I like it better. Yes, life is an angry, angry tree with skin condition. In the last 20 or so years, I have met exactly two women that make me feel happy just by being around them. Two. One doesn't want me and has turned happiness to the deepest of sorrows. The other I can't be with for any number of reasons. Life sucks. Or maybe it's just me.

A list of things I've decided I don't believe in anymore. This is subject to change at my whim.


Hope
Human Love
Self worth
Future
Rational consistency
Friendship
Institutions
Me
Celebrating the "holidays"
Concept of "home"

I have a friend, we'll just call her M, that I rather like. She is currently seeing someone and asked that "other" why he liked her. The response involved something about making him laugh, something he'd not done in a long time. A very sweet and heartfelt response, I am sure, as I have only experienced him as a nice guy. But it got me to think, what would I have said? What follows is my attempt to answer that question.

Please forgive, M, if this list seems impertinent or brash, but it is made up of what I have seen, heard, and felt.

You are beautiful. And not only physically, but of the heart. You let it show through when you think no one watching.
You have a wonderful cynicism. Odd to say, I know, but there it is.
You have an under appreciated gift of sarcasm, or you're often sardonic, I get them confused, but you know what I mean. Not a weak defense mechanism by any stretch, but an appreciation for life as it is, without giving in to hopelessness. An appreciation of the idiocies of life.
You are intelligent and it is a joy talking of higher things with you.
You are not full of yourself and it is a joy speaking of the lower things in life with you.
You have an infectious laugh, and yes, you make people laugh (in the right way). Wonderful quality, that.
You are witty, charming, have a beautiful smile, and barely disguised sweetness ( I think at times you try to hide it, but to no avail).
You care about people, and not just those people that can do something for you. You care about those that cannot and do not care for themselves.
You are a gamer girl, after that, what more really needs to be said?
You have a great smile.

I guess I could keep going on, but I think you get the point. I hope that your guy sees these things and more...

I've screwed my life up so badly, I wish someone wiser than me would take it over. Why can't I bequeath what remains of my life to someone far more deserving?

Felicitas solus meus est calamitas

I think that, a few well placed word to the contrary, I am a continual disappointment to God. I base this on my apparent lack of trust, in that I feel empty, hollow and alone. Despite what I believe to be true, I continue to fear and dread each day. Instead of being filled with joy and thanksgiving, I selfishly focus on my misery and heartache. I can't seem to move past that point, thus I am that most dispised of things, a zombie. Once full of life, now hating it. I wish God would end my existence. Sadly, I don't even know what to pray for, what I want or what to do anymore. I'm glad nobody reads this, because if they did, I wouldn't be able to live in the fantasy that maybe what I write isn't true. Skip it, I don't deserve to be happy or with someone and that's just the way it is for me.

I just reread the whole mantra thing and thought, "what an ass." What a piece of self involved crap that was, don't you think? Well, this continues in that same vein...

I really need to stop looking for support from people. People don't care, and honestly, why should they? They have lives, every bit as filled with heartache and disappointments as i do, so why would I think that I deserve some special attention? I don't, plan and simple. As I devolved into a shell of my former self, as I become the zombie, I should not expect others to make that trip with me. In a not really clever way, this all becomes self fulfilling prophecy. Well, ok then, I am saying that you have an out...you don't have to waste your life worrying about me, I think its pretty clear that I am an increasingly hopeless case. Spend your energy on someone who deserves the attention. Me, I will just drag you down with me. Let me live and die the way I was meant to, alone. Trite, i know, but I mean it completely. I am not looking for compliments or trying to guilt you into anything, i am trying to let you know that's its ok to leave me be, it is, to borrow an over used phrase, my destiny.

This then is my mantra, given to me be age and experience. It is based in observation and a review of the events around me. It is a mantra of self centeredness and selfishness. Do not curse me for what I have written, this is my mantra and not yours. You can argue that I am full of bs, that this mantra reflects a spoiled infant crying over drops of milk when placed in comparison to the ills of this life. So what. Take your arguments, fling them at me, assail me with your truths, it won't change a thing. As I said, this is a mantra of self centeredness and selfishness.

I hate my life.
I hate who I am and who I have become.
I deserve everything bad that happens to me.
I am a worthless SOB.
I spoil all I touch.
I am a failure.
I hurt those I love, not through intention, but through being.
I deserve to be alone.

There comes a time when you simply have to face reality. I mean, sit down and stare reality in the face and say, "OK reality, show me what you've got." I'm not sure that this is one of those times. Maybe it is, I really don't know anymore. From my point of view, I've been staring at reality too long and it is an ugly SOB. Of course, the reality we each stare at is a reality of our own creation. Through action, or lack thereof, we mold the ugly mug we stare at day after day. If that reality leaps up and bites your face off, its only because we gave it the fangs. If reality unzips and pisses all over your face, all the while laughing like a maniac, it is because of all the juice we've forced it to drink; the juice of our own ignorance or the juice of unrequited anger/love/remorse, it really doesn't matter.

Me, I gave reality a freakin shovel and said, "start digging you stupid bastard!" And dig it did. I am now so far in the hole that sunlight has become a myth. I'm not sure even God can see me down here. And its my fault, no one else's. Great thing is, while I've been feeding reality all the red meat it can eat, its been deficating down the same hole. I don't think reality hears me any more, it is too far above me. But it stares at me, and waits. Waits to spring into action and rip me apart. I wish it would hurry....

My youngest child sat me down tonight and schooled me about my life. With wisdom seldom seen in a 15 year old, he told me that I deserved to be happy and to be with someone better for me. Amazing.

It's not so much a question of what God CAN do, but rather what He is WILLING to do. And I don't mean that in a malicious or irreverent way. God can do whatever He chooses, He is God afterall. I am stuck with thinking that God is unwilling to do, for whatever reason. And again, I am not accusing Him of any maliciousness, because I am sure that whatever reasons He has for not doing are good and pure. Again, He is God. I do not understand His reasons, but His ways are higher than mine. Question is, I feel so miserable, is that a sign of a lack of faith? Is He not responding because I lack faith or diligence, or trust, or a myriad of other things I lack? These things I don't know. I feel like a child.

I am tired. Really. I heard a sermon on regaining your strength; a sermon on renewing yourself. I came away realizing that I am one lousy Christian. I am just so tired of it all. I almost wished I believed in suicide, but for now I do not. I just wish God would release me from this burden called life. I don't need a crown, or gold covered streets, I just need to be in His proximity. I don't need accolades or honors, I don't need to be recognized. I just need to rest. I want out, and there is no way out. The one who holds the key is not letting me out and I cannot fathom why. I am told i should just trust Him....and that is why I am such a lousy follower. I obviously don't trust Him enough, it shows in how I act, feel and think. Still, I wish God would allow me out. I can't stand my heart being torn to pieces, gaping holes in my soul. It seems the whole two become one thing was pretty one sided, and I don't have the gumption to survive. God, please let me out..........I hate what I am, who I am becoming, and where I am in life. I want to die, not to kill myself...can you see the difference? I guess at this point I am just rambling, so nevermind......

There has been a lot of tragedy lately....at least that is the way it seems right now. It has served to remind me that we never know what life may hold or when life may end. I know I've been on the dysphoric side lately, but this is in no way related to suicide. I am talking about everyday life and the rapidity with which it can change or end. As such, I wonder how do I say goodbye to those I love, how do I leave a final message as it were? That is what this post is about. I will try to keep this short, we all know I can ramble on endlessly. Perhaps I can be mire specific in a future post (if there is time (morbid lol)).

Boys: each of you added your own rich texture to my life. I love each of you completely. In this there is no competition. You each have your unique qualities and I love each of them. You are my real treasure in life and I thank you for sharing it with me. Forgive me for not being the father I could've been, and thank God for the things I got right. If I have any advise, it is this: love God, follow His word, do not mourn or weep for me, stay in school, work hard, and don't be afraid to love. God will always take care of you, trust Him in all things. I know I was not the best example of trusting God, but I have faith that you can build from what feeble attempts I made. I love you guys.

Jill: what can I say? I made a promise to you in March of 1990, and while I have never believed myself to be perfect, I do know that I gave it my all. You were my LOML. I'm sorry I never quite measured up to your expectations. I pray that God richly blesses you. I don't think I can ever stop loving you.


M: thanks for being an unobtainable breath of fresh air. You will never know, and for that I am thankful. God bless.


More to follow as life permits....

The zombie meme.

Do you think that zombies ever think to themselves (to the extent they do think) that they don't want to go on? Do they desire death, but some force drives them on, even against their desires? Do they realize that what they are now bears little resemblance to who they were when they were alive? Do they mourn their losses, including the loss of their humanity? I do. Because I do.

The zombie meme continues.

Every day I become more zombie like. I shamble through a life devoid of meaning or beauty. Only consuming. I have become mindless, not knowing my own objectives, not paying any heed to where I am going. I consume. I only feel some remnant of life, what it was like before. My advise, stay away. Zombies only destroy and consume.

I have decided that I am a zombie. Strange, I know, but would you expect anything different? Why a zombie? Do I suffer from Cotard's psychosis? Am I on something? Little too much of the mother nature, perhaps? In reverse order, the answers are: don't smoke, should be, no, and let me explain. First though, we have to define "zombie." I think that in this context, I am referring to the classic horror movie image of a zombie: slow moving, brainless, oblivious to the obvious, wanting to taste life without understanding why, getting no nourishment out of whatever legend is tasted, and finally, destructive to the very life it craves. In a mysanthropic, some would say dyphoric review of myself, I would say I fit these qualities. Therefore, I am a zombie.


More later........

I grow more hopeless everyday. I sound so maudlin (if I even spelled it correctly). I am pathetic. A waste. And I wish there was a way out. Why doesn't God answer me? Perhaps He too has given up on me, but I don't think that's in His nature, unlike me. How did it get to this...I hate this, I hate me.

It's getting harder and harder to maintain daily functions. I find that I am not thinking as clearly, I am easily agitated, I am almost constantly overwhelmed...even by the simplest of tasks. I'm losing it, I'm afraid. I am so desperate for this all to end. But not by my own hand. I keep asking God to finish this once and for all; begging for that unbearable pressure in my chest, or that rending of my brain in a swift and deadly stroke. So far, He has rejected my pleas. How long, how long...

You know, its not as if I haven't tried. I have. Or at least I think I have. And yet I still feel as if there is nothing left. I am tired of clawing every day just to keep my head out of the shit; I am tired of failing every day. I really just want to say F it to everything, but I don't have whatever it takes to do that. It pisses me off that I am such a pathetic specimen, no wonder women don't want me - who in their right mind would want a guy that thinks he is a pathetic loser (and proves it daily). I am F'd, and I've done it to myself. And no, don't have any sympathy or pity for me, I simply don't deserve it. This is my bed of shit, I guess I have to lay in it; I just wanna know how long I gotta keep myself from drowning. I so very much want to let go...but I cant, that's God's choice, not mine.

I am ready to give up. I don't mean in a suicidal way...truthfully, I don't really know what I mean. I just know that I am tired. I have no peace, no hope, no future, nothing. Each day is something to be suffered, not enjoyed as God intended. I wish God would just end this......