What a price I paid for peace, at least in my own accounting. I sit here, feeling like an abject failure and it is my fault. I surrendered, I gave in, I laid down and willingly died...for what I thought you wanted. And you left.

When we met I was self confident. I knew myself, I made my own way. Sure, I had been hurt by a recent break-up, but I was still confident. I actually liked my self. I don't know when it happened, but I slowly gave up. I don't know if it was your constant insistence that you dad should be consulted about everything; I don't know if it was your growing insistence that YOU were always right; I don't know if it way your constant knit-picking and informing me that there was a better way than mine. But give up I did, and here is the result.

I question everything I think; I automatically defer to you as being more correct. I doubt myself, I hate myself, and I am unable to accept that it should be different.

I can't be mad at you. (Even now I defend you when some would say I should be angry.) I am the one who gave in and gave up. I allowed the change. I.

How will I find the strength to regain what I lost. No, not lost, gave away willingly. How can I go back to who I was without going backwards? How can I move forward through my self imposed/home-grown quicksand of doubt? How..?





Perhaps you are right to leave. Perhaps you are right to find what you would consider a "real man." Perhaps...

This past weekend was my anniversary weekend and I have been hesitant to write about it. It is strange that all this chaos has been going on for over 2 years, but this year it really bothers me. 3/7 was the anniversary of our meeting - 18 years ago. Hard to imagine, but this woman has spent approximately half of her life with me.

We met about three months before her 19th birthday. I and a friend had just come back from St. Louis where we'd seen REM in concert. It was a snowy weekend in Tulsa and most things were closed. We wanted to rent a video, so we went out to the video store. Not our regular one, no, one we hardly ever went to. J was working that night - called in from another store. She offered us some free videos if we helped straighten them, it was late, we were taking forever, and they wanted to leave. We took her up on the offer. We all then went to Denney's for a late night meal. This last part we rarely tell, because it makes us look bad - she came back to my apartment and the three of us watched movies until dawn. Whether you believe it or not, nothing inappropriate happened. I then stood out in the freezing cold and asked if I could see her again. We were married 1yr and 2days later on 3/9. Short courtship and engagement, but it seemed to do well - until now.

I look back on that time with such fondness. Our meeting. My proposal in the city Rose Gardens. The first time I told her I loved her. Night walks in downtown Tulsa. Planning the wedding. Financing the wedding with a JCPenney credit card and a little cash. Her dad married us. I very much loved her dad and miss him. He was hilarious at the wedding and at the rehearsals. All this makes this weekend special and Hell at the same time.

She left this weekend. Said on Wednesday that she had the opportunity to take a long weekend. Left Wednesday and returned Sunday night. Never told me where she went or with whom. She told the youngest she'd gone to ATL and I guess she figured he'd tell me. I am suspicious, but cannot dwell on it, it hurts too much to think what most people would be thinking.

The weekend is over and she is home now. Somehow, I feel worse. Odd, but I feel much more relaxed when she is gone. Maybe not so odd, given the circumstances. I want her home, but it stresses me. I guess it is that distance between what I want and reality and when she came home that reality became very apparent again.

Hope folds in on itself...
Like a cheap umbrella in a violent storm, the hope and happiness protecting me from the torrent of misery fold in and collapse. I am soaked by the reality and battered by its intensity. I keep trying new umbrellas, but they each fail in their time - some last longer than others, some not at all. I am left without protection and forced to stand in the downpour, the very picture of abject misery and neglect. I wonder if the rain will ever stop, realizing that it won't. I also wonder when the rain will have come down long enough to form a puddle, then a pool, and eventually a flood; a flood to wipe clean everything in its path and drown those unfit to survive. I believe I am one of those and am just waiting my turn.

I can understand...
I was thinking about death. I can understand why people would want to end their lives. I can see and feel the allure of the peace of death. I can appreciate the absolute freedom gained from knowing you are going to die - and soon. Paradoxically, it makes you invulnerable. Nothing can touch you - not stress, bills, IRS, failed relationships, work, regrets, failures in general, nothing. I can touch that freedom in my imagination, and that is where it will stay. I also happen to believe that death would soon become unpeaceful and would last forever. Whatever pain is felt now, here, in this temporal existence, is nothing compared to Hell. I know that the pain here is susceptible to influence as well. The smile of a child can dispel the demons of the IRS, at least for a time. The cry of a child's skinned knee can become of paramount importance, minimizing all other concerns, at least for a time.



Hope, happiness, death and being morose. They all surround me. The first two seem so fleeting, the next, unimaginable and the last an almost constant state. Why the flip? Why the change, when I'd been doing well? Despair, I think. It seems that no matter how hard I work, the further behind I get. I know it is a cliche, but it is painfully true. I cannot seem to escape the vicious cycles of my life. The one option that haunts me is not really an option, and I certainly won't be pursuing it. In fits of absurdity, I have a fantasy of losing everything material I have in some storm or such. What a pathetic fantasy and how much of a coward must I be to think like this.

I understand why she left me. She wanted to be free. She never wanted kids. She was tired of the responsibility of marriage, of my life (but remained committed to her kids). I too long for that freedom, I just don't know how to obtain it without betraying everything and everyone. I have fantasies of disappearing and starting over. Of going completely on a cash economy. I have even thought of trying to buy a new identity. All this is completely unworkable for someone like me. I have no marketable skills - those skills I do have require extensive background checking and licensing. I don't think I would survive. If I ever do disappear, look for foul play, as I am too much of a lazy bastard to do that type of thing. Besides, I would never voluntarily leave my kids and never have contact with them again - I couldn't stomach that much heartache and pain.

Why am I writing this? To exorcise the morose feelings that I have succumbed to in the last 18 hours. It helps to write it out and view how really silly your thinking can become when it is dragged down into a pit of self pity and despair. So I cast away these feelings and thoughts and look toward a brighter tomorrow - even if I cannot see it yet, it will come. Dawn always comes.

PS I can be so very histrionic when I write. Melodramatic. In all honesty, I think I am a melodramatic sort at times, even maudlin. I am hoping to lessen those times, but will my attempts at writing reflect that change? Only time will tell, like so many other things.

What can be found at the center of my heart?

Shadow with her youngest "kitten."

Good-bye Shadow Cat

Tonight the weather mimics my mood. It is windy, raining, with a chance of tornado. I feel uneasy. Not about the weather, but about tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to, with much regret/sorrow/dread take my cat of 21 years to the vet to be put to sleep. She has stopped eating and does not seem to be able to hold anything down. She appears in pain when walking, and her behavior has changed. She loses us and seems lost. She has stopped using the litter box and this creates a number of problems. After long discussions, with and without the kids, we reached the decision that it would be best for her to be put to sleep. It was hard watching my youngest say good-bye tonight. He has known her his whole life. I do not look forward to the task and approach it with conflicted thought and emotion. I miss her already, but I don't like to see her suffer.

I don't care if I am anthropomorphizing, I love this cat. Save for my mom and sisters, I have know and maintained a relationship with this cat longer than with any other creature. She has provided comfort, has listened and has not criticized. She has shared her home with me and put up with the dogs in my life.

Funny, I didn't start out as a cat person. I called her cat-dog (long before the cartoon) and joked that I had raised her as a dog. She would "bark" out the window at birds. She was given to me after being found blind on the roadside - a newborn kitten. Her finder nurtured her until she was a few weeks old and asked if I would accept her. She has moved with me from Oklahoma to Minnesota and down to Georgia. She has "trained" at least 3 dogs and never took any grief from them. They knew she had pet seniority and seemed to understand the need to back off with just a glance from her. I believe we have given her a good home and a happy life and her presence here will be felt and missed.

The H-List

Breakfast foods
Legos
Autumn and cool breezes
The beach when it is mostly empty, no matter the time of day or night
The mountains
The way ice looks covering everything after an ice storm, though I don't like the damage it causes

Rocking chairs
Rocking on the porch
Country roads and forests
Big cities - my favorites being Chicago and New York in no particular order. I also like St Louis, Atlanta and Boston. Dallas has its pluses

Tulsa and with it the Greek Festival, Mayfest, Octoberfest, Movies at the Williams Center (if they still show them), the Louisiane Restaurant (if it still exists), Goldies burgers, Peppers Restaurant, The Metro Diner, Peanut Butter Pie at Impressions, The rose gardens.

Being Underwater (SCUBA, not some random head-dunk)
The ocean
Boat rides to and from a dive
Swimming with Dolphins in Bonaire
Architecture, though I know nothing about it.
My kids eyes
Baby smiles
Pizza (Uno's!)


.....To be continued

A Take on Loss

I may be biased. Some would say that I have a skewed view of things. This may be true, but it doesn't change my opinion. In my opinion, Dementia and Schizophrenia are two of the worst diseases imaginable. Don't get me wrong; cancer, heart disease, chronic pain, etc are all terrible illnesses and I would wish them on no one. These more "physical" illnesses cause loss and heartache; they destroy the body. Dementia and Schizophrenia also cause loss, I am talking of the loss of the person hood. They steal a person, leaving someone you don't know to remind you of what was lost.

I have seen tears flow and tremendous grief from families and victims of the more "physical" illnesses. I have seen suffering and courage. I have seen people overcome and persevere through adversity. They are brave souls with determined minds. But for the most part they haven't lost control of their minds; their souls are not left wandering.

The loss of the essence of a person, to me, makes Schizophrenia and Dementia all the more wrenching. In dementia the mind fades, rapidly or slowly, and as it does so the body fails. The person we knew fades. Often, the worst parts of their pre-morbid or pre-illness personality emerge. They lose track of who we are and why we are there to care for them. They are frightened, not knowing why they are here, where their spouse has gone, who took their belongings. They want to go home, and yet they may be at the home they've lived in for years.

In schizophrenia, the change may be rapid with a loss of pre-morbid functioning. A once promising youth may be unable to hold a job. Relationships are lost amidst a cacophony of auditory or visual inputs that are the product of their own minds. Fear runs rampant as paranoia descends. I cannot image the horror of being insulted, being told that all you do is wrong, that you are going to be killed, that people are after you - constantly. If you have trouble concentrating in a noisy room, imagine that you carry that noisy room with you wherever you go. The meds help - may provide relief and improve the ability to function better in society, but are not perfect and carry risk.

That is why I believe the way I do. The loss of a person.

*I call some of these illnesses "physical" as we tend to think of mental and some brain illness as NOT having a physical component. Dementia tends to be thought of more and more as being physical by the general public as our understanding increases. I believe that schizophrenia is every bit as physical. This was my admittedly poor way of differentiating between the sets of problems I was talking about. I realize that I probably have contributed to further misunderstanding, but for now I do the best I can do with limited writing skills.

The list that (I hope) never ends

A man of my profession should know about happiness. I try to reach it daily, or at least I try to encourage others to do so. I have been asked repeatedly, "what is happiness?" I usually have some glib answer that may or not be relevant to whatever they are going through. But, what is happiness and what is it to be happy? Will I know it in the distance; will I know it if it slaps the fool out of me? I decided to write a list of things that make me happy, or at least I associate them with a sense of contentment - which may be 'happy,' I think. I hope I will remember to update or add to this list as time goes by. Some of these things are dopey, some idiotic, some cliche, but all are personal. I am not asking for any one's approval for my lists, except my own. I want this to be a reminder.

My kids, the way they smile, their laughter, the smell of their hair, their smart-ass comments, their quick wit, their observations on life, their similarities, their differences, their stupid jokes, their prescient jokes. JCMY's sports brain, his obvious and not so obvious intelligence, how he can be so caring, how he can so challenge me ( after I get over the initial anger, of course). SCY's smarts, his shyness, his love of books and sports, how he is so like me and yet so different. JCY's wit, the fact that he is across between his brothers and yet so unique, his humor.

Movies of all sorts, like science fiction, subtitled foreign, stupid monster movies, MST3K. Audrey Hepburn. Waterworld, GWTW. British TV shows like Monty Python and Red Dwarf. Music with my current favorites being: Blue October, Thousand Foot Krutch, Skillet, Mustard Plug, Streetlight Manifesto, Less Than Jake, TobyMac, Relient K, SuperChick, Alanis Morisette, Rush, Talking Heads, Yes. Many more...

Church when I don't feel inadequate there, my old Pastor - Sean, when I feel close to God.

Reading, reading, reading. From historical fiction (Dante Club was excellent) to Superstring Theory, to The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse, to the Ringworld series, to hard Science Fiction, to fantasy, to current politics, to religion.

Dark Chocolate

............to be continued (hopefully)

The heart ignores what the mind knows and mind denies what the heart proclaims to be true. And the soul is pissed at the sibling rivalry. How to quiet a mind disturbed by an unwanted reality? How to give peace to a heart broken? How to grow the spirit when the mind and heart are sulking, each separate from the other?

I don't know how to answer these questions, though I face them daily - in myself and others I see. I feel, many times, impotent in my abilities to give comfort when needed and advice when asked - even if the supplicant is me.

He broke my heart tonight. My littlest boy - not so little at twelve - came out crying from his room. The cat was breathing funny and he was worried. He has known this cat his whole life - the cat has raised him. She goes to bed with the 2 youngest kids every night and stays with them until they are asleep. The youngest is so good with the cat and the dog - he obviously cares deeply for the animals in our home. It hurts me that the aged cat's breathing would pain him. She is old, 20 plus years, and has gotten quite thin. He doesn't want to see her suffer and doesn't want her to be put to sleep or die. It is good to see our kids grow and to face new challenges; but incredibly hard to see them work through this situation. I have done my best to comfort him and remind him of the joy he has brought to her life and he seems satisfied for now.

Another paradox of life. My heart is broken by his pain and filled with love for him at the same time. Pain and swelling joy of love all brought about by child's heart pouring out. Amazing.

Apparently I have some time on my hands today. People are not showing up for their appointments. I wonder if it has something to do with the beautiful day we are having. Here in Albany, GA is is a bright and clear 77F. Patients (clients if you prefer) have been commenting on the nice spring like weather today. A relief from the cloudy blahs of the last few days.

Here I am, doing what everyone does when they have nothing to say - talking about the weather. Quite imaginative. I have been reading Steve Berry's The Third Secret and so far enjoy the mystery. It has gotten me thinking about a number of subjects - church and travel being two of them. My grandmother was Catholic, as have any number of my friends from days gone by. Although I am more properly a Protestant, I have a fondness for the Catholic Church. I personally dislike the sectarian divides within the Christian Church, but I don't want to open that can o' worms. I am not theologically or intellectually strong enough to fight a fight that has been going on for hundreds of years. Anyway, it makes me wonder about my own faith and when I will wander back to the church and actually participate in what I believe.

Travel. I love to travel, but have limited myself for many reason - some quite illogical like a touch of social phobia. The book mentions Romania, Bosnia, Italy, etc. I would love to visit these places, despite my having, perhaps, a romanticized picture of these places in my head. I have seen pictures and they are beautiful. I would like to visit the Carpathians before I die, not sure why, but would like to none the less. Also Ireland. A bit of a jump there but loose associations are my friend. Maybe I can start making some of these ideas come true in the next few years...

From Yahoo 360 2/22/7

It has been over a week now and I can perhaps sit back and reflect on Valentine's Day. I did not want to participate. Given that the Love of my life told me she didn't love me any more some 2 plus years ago, it was no wonder. Why THIS Valentine's though? Perhaps I am more acutely feeling the loss. i would like to believe that I have comes to terms with a least a portion of the loss. Perhaps it is the divorce papers I have been trying to ignore. We still live in the same house, still take equal parts in the kids, still share everything but our bed and our hearts. A strange and some would say idiotic position, but it is one that has slowly evolved. Kinda like the duck billed platypus of relationships. So I did the thing I think I am good at, I ignored V Day. So did she, and I was glad.
In the midst of my sadness, I happened upon a blog on 360. Honestly I saw it a couple of weeks ago and enjoyed the observations of the author. Plus the author's name was to me cool - her first is a variation of my middle and her last is similar to my middle child's name. Kind of weird, but that is the way the world seems to work. Anyway, her writings on V day lifted my spirit and I thank her for that. The blog is 365 Frames of Freedom and usually has some interesting poetry and music. I almost feel as if I am intruding by reading, but that is what blogs are for, right? Maybe happy days are/will be coming again....?

From my Yahoo 360 site 2/9/7

I almost said Bipolar. And I would have been wrong. Yes, my moods do go back and forth, giving the impression of a swing. But it is not Bipolar. The constant struggle of the light and dark sides of myself to gain supremacy seems more apt. The yin and yang of it, I suppose. One day, dark side ascendant, I am all gloom and doom. I am a hopeless nobody consumed with my own self pity and regret for everything I have done. I profess a loss of faith and trust in myself, my God, and my world. Struggling back is the positive. That I am a decent human, flawed but not ruined. I have accomplishment, I have faith and hope is there at all times. Taken separately, they seem Bipolar. But the whole is more the truth - both sides juxtaposed upon my every moment, struggling to be heard.
Or... I spend way too much time navel gazing and should just get on with the business of living and not struggle with that which I cannot control. With each tragedy, I suppose, comes treasure. I just have a hard time realizing what the treasure is at any given moment. Perhaps if I would look up from my navel, I would see the treasures around me. In my kids, in my friends, in my God, and in my self.

...Randomnonsense II

I cannot help it. I am frustrated by my constant staring down at he bottom half of life. And yet, I struggle to be happy. I am frustrated by the Limbo of a life that I have and I rail against my ability to change it. I know I can change things, quite dramatically, but I lack the courage. I could leave, sign the papers and go about my life. Too scared. I do not want to leave the kids behind, and I use that as an excuse to continue living as I am living. I feel quite guilty thinking it would be easiest to leave everything behind, but I cannot do without my kids. They are my only life.

Strange how things grow cold. I was thinking about what I would change if I could go back 10 years. Fruitless. I wonder how things will be in 10 years. Equally fruitless. I think I think too much and I let that drag me down. Maybe I was thoughtless and that is why I am here. I dunno anymore.

Confidence is a two edged sword and I do not know how to wield it. I frequently cut myself and my friends.

I want to love and be loved. Why can't I wait. Am I that desperate and needy? Or am I simply starving after over 2 years of doing without?

I miss physical contact. Me. The guy that doesn't like to hug and likes to maintain a good social distance to people. Am I just whining about what I cannot have, or am I thirsty from almost 2 years without?

I whine a lot and it is draining. I feel like JD on the latest episode of Scrubs.

I feel about 17 years younger than I am.

I want to date, but not really. I think it is symptom or a result of living the way I do and wanting more. Someone wise reminded me to finish one relationship before starting another. Don't want to rush and perhaps further my dependency needs.

I have a lot to offer, very little of it is in cold hard cash. I make a decent salary, but send all of it away to various institutions (read bills) and student loans - yes, student loans. I may die before my student loans do.

I should listen to my own advise.

365 Frames of Freedom is a fun blog to read. She usually has some music I've never heard of. Makes me feel insular and acultural. Oh well. The blog, by the way is on Yahoo 360

Upon entering the Twilight Zone, I think I would marry Jennifer Aniston. Not just because of her looks - Angelina Jolie is good looking, better according to some, and I would not want to have a relationship with her - but because she seems honestly nice. I hope reality is close to my perception. I remember seeing and reading about Chevy Chase. While he is very funny, it is diminished by what I perceive as him having a jerk of a personality. I hope in this case reality is far from what I have perceived.

I enjoy Blue October. The lyrics speak to me (how cliche) and the main singer and lyricist seems to have overcome a lot of adversity.

I have very fond memories of my first girlfriend. I find that I wish her the best of everything. I want her marriage to remain strong and her kids to achieve wildly. I hope that this type of mature, non-romantic love can someday fill my heart for my soon to be X. Right now I suffer through the loss of the romantic kinda love and it hurts like hell. I don't want hatred or anger or resentment to grow in its place; I want to mature love to grow. I hope I am man enough to nurture that love. I feel that I was not man enough to nurture the other and thus the marriage failed, but maybe this is only a partial truth and I should just get over it now.

Acouple-a Years Ago...

I was thinking about what I would like my obituary or tombstone to say. Or maybe just what I would be remembered for, if remembered at all. I know, but I am a morbid person at times. Anyway, I came down to three things that I wanted people to think of me and I thought it would be just the height of hilarity to see if I am currently meeting those thoughts or goals.

He was a man of God
Failing. No question. Failing. I no longer go to church. I no longer read the Bible as I should - or at all. I no longer pray as I should - mostly not at all. I have been mad at God, angry for my life and the way it is turning out. I no longer feel the Holy Spirit moving in me. I feel a hunger I suppose, but do nothing about it. My most recent prayers I did ask for God to help me to forgive and move on - to forgive me for my own "acting out." All in all, I am failing, but I do not want to anymore. So what will I do about it?

He was a good Husband
I am unsure what grade I would give myself. I feel that I have certainly made huge mistakes, but I have worked very hard to correct these mistakes. If my impending divorce is any measure, I am a miserable failure and very much feel the part. I have, however, come to some peace in the last couple of years in that regard. I feel that I have been a good husband and did my best most of the time. I am loving, compassionate, giving, etc. Have I been perfect - no one has. Have I been great, no. I am fully aware of my shortcomings and ironically it is that awareness that actually drives me to greater shortcomings. I give myself a comfortable B, if not a low A. This of course is an average, for I have had plenty of C's and F's along the way.

He was a good Father
Here, I think I pass with flying colors. I do not think I am the best there ever was, but I am certainly a very good Father and Dad to my kids. I have tried to do the right things and I have failed at them. My positives, though, far outweigh the negatives. The oldest son may disagree - but I think as he matures beyond who he is now and deals with his personal 'demons' he will appreciate that I was and am a good Dad. I have made a concerted effort to correct my mistakes along the way, and to always be there for them. I have been harsh and a disciplinarian. I have also been accused of being too easy at times. Overall, a high A is the grade I would give myself.

So. An F, a B and an A. Am I passing? No, I don't think so, but I am improving. A few months back (6-12) I would have said F, F, A. I know the further changes I have to make, but it is always the implementation of those ideas and goals that are the hardest. Wish me luck as I try to improve my Tombstone GPA.

Spring Flowers...?

I was just sitting and talking and someone said something that struck me. They paraphrased "everything in its season." What season is this then? I feel stuck in a particularly cold and dark winter. One in which I am starved, shivering and on the brink of losing several appendages due to frost bite. Where am I? Am I in the Arctic Circle - the forever winter? Will the Spring ever come with its promise of renewal and love? I am afraid I do not know the answer to these questions as I am stuck, snow blind in a blizzard in the dead of winter...

We talked, I wept

Just a short note to say we talked today and I am feeling morose. She believes it would be best if we "made it legal" and signed divorce papers. For may part, I made it clear that this is something I do not want. I told her I love her as much now as when we were married. I told her that despite what she thought, I too have done my best at loving her unconditionally. I have asked for nothing from her and expected the same. I asked that we go to counseling and make one last ditch effort. I told her I thought she was making a mistake for her, me and the kids. I love her - I do not want a divorce. We are often times forced to do and be what we do not want to do or be. I do not want to date or enter that world again, but it appears I will have no choice. I will survive, however hollow I will feel. Like the air sucked from my lungs by a sudden vacuum, I have felt panic and death and dread. I had gotten used to breathing the very thin air - how will I do without? However it happens, I will just have to...

Life sucks, I am lonely, I am scared and I am depressed.
I think whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was full of shit...

It hurts.

It Sucks.

I do not like it.

I wish I could change.

I fear I cannot.

I have been isolating myself at work and I HATE it - with a passion. People ask what is wrong and I can only say that I can't say. I do not want to get in trouble or make someone think I was retaliating. I feel the grip I had on the office slipping. I have further hurt people and I feel like the grinch, only worse. I want to scream that I am sorry - but what if I say it to the person that I originally offended and they think I am trying to intimidate or retaliate or some other negative? The traps set by PC are endless.

I now fear every word I say. I am second guessing myself - wondering if I have offended again. It is slowing down my thoughts and making me nervous. I worry about it constantly - even out of the office. I am becoming obsessed. I even worry that what I write here will be used against me somehow - even though I know no one has even looked at this site.

I am drowning.

Partly in my environment, partly in my own self pitied isolation.

I

AM

SORRY

I want to be family again, but do not know how...

**The dog, by the way, is from 1957 and has really no connection to this post. I just like the photo.

An Apology...Of Sorts

"Life is drawn by all the little successes in our lives, but it is colored by our losses"

I want to apologize.
I have sinned.
I was unaware of my sin, but having been made aware, I must make amends. Sort of...

I was recently informed that I have made comments that were deemed "inappropriate" and "offensive." I will not repeat those offenses here, but I would like to relate my view of events - one sided as usual.

The first mistake I made was thinking that I was among family and friends here at work. I am not. I am among co-workers. From my point of view (apparently a wrong one given what happened), I felt open to discuss things in my life and to try to deal with them in, what I thought was, a humorous way. In a family or among friends, it would have been pointed out that, hey, you are crossing a line. In a corporate structure, it is reported that someone is offended. There in lies the mistake - a misperception on my part. A family, a group of friends we are not - we are part of a corporate structure. I therefore apologize to whomever I offended with my remarks. I certainly did not mean to do so - I was dealing with my own pain and never intended to cause you any. Sorry, for whatever it is worth.

Now, let the rationalizations begin.

I have tried hard to act as if we are a family. I have worked hard to be a part - one of the "office people," and to not set myself apart or above. I failed, mostly because I did not understand that what I wanted is impossible. We live in a corporation in a culture of the offended. The naricissm of the offended is more important than the naricissm of the offender. And so we must consider the feelings of the offended vastly more important than the offender. Don't get me wrong - harassment is wrong, but that is not what I am talking about. I was not harassing anyone, I was offensive.

What is the fallout for me? I feel hurt, betrayed, alone, embarrassed and rejected. My bubble has burst, always a painful experience. What I thought was, wasn't. The people I thought were my friends, are not. My "Family" is just a collection of people who work together. I am embarrassed that I caused someone else to be upset. I am betrayed and rejected that they didn't come to me. I am hurt that they could have ruined my career simply because they were offended. They will probably be over it quickly. I will not. My offense probably had no long lasting effects on their life and certainly did not contain the potential for ruin. Their response does have long lasting effects and had the potential for significant ruin. I feel alone, not knowing who it is safe to talk around. I have resorted to being professional and closed, out of fear that I may offend. It hurts.

Once again in my life I have been left alone. Not knowing to whom I may turn, not having anyone I can call friend or family. Life sucks, but it must go on. Life is, for me, colorful and full of loss.