It hurts.

It Sucks.

I do not like it.

I wish I could change.

I fear I cannot.

I have been isolating myself at work and I HATE it - with a passion. People ask what is wrong and I can only say that I can't say. I do not want to get in trouble or make someone think I was retaliating. I feel the grip I had on the office slipping. I have further hurt people and I feel like the grinch, only worse. I want to scream that I am sorry - but what if I say it to the person that I originally offended and they think I am trying to intimidate or retaliate or some other negative? The traps set by PC are endless.

I now fear every word I say. I am second guessing myself - wondering if I have offended again. It is slowing down my thoughts and making me nervous. I worry about it constantly - even out of the office. I am becoming obsessed. I even worry that what I write here will be used against me somehow - even though I know no one has even looked at this site.

I am drowning.

Partly in my environment, partly in my own self pitied isolation.

I

AM

SORRY

I want to be family again, but do not know how...

**The dog, by the way, is from 1957 and has really no connection to this post. I just like the photo.

An Apology...Of Sorts

"Life is drawn by all the little successes in our lives, but it is colored by our losses"

I want to apologize.
I have sinned.
I was unaware of my sin, but having been made aware, I must make amends. Sort of...

I was recently informed that I have made comments that were deemed "inappropriate" and "offensive." I will not repeat those offenses here, but I would like to relate my view of events - one sided as usual.

The first mistake I made was thinking that I was among family and friends here at work. I am not. I am among co-workers. From my point of view (apparently a wrong one given what happened), I felt open to discuss things in my life and to try to deal with them in, what I thought was, a humorous way. In a family or among friends, it would have been pointed out that, hey, you are crossing a line. In a corporate structure, it is reported that someone is offended. There in lies the mistake - a misperception on my part. A family, a group of friends we are not - we are part of a corporate structure. I therefore apologize to whomever I offended with my remarks. I certainly did not mean to do so - I was dealing with my own pain and never intended to cause you any. Sorry, for whatever it is worth.

Now, let the rationalizations begin.

I have tried hard to act as if we are a family. I have worked hard to be a part - one of the "office people," and to not set myself apart or above. I failed, mostly because I did not understand that what I wanted is impossible. We live in a corporation in a culture of the offended. The naricissm of the offended is more important than the naricissm of the offender. And so we must consider the feelings of the offended vastly more important than the offender. Don't get me wrong - harassment is wrong, but that is not what I am talking about. I was not harassing anyone, I was offensive.

What is the fallout for me? I feel hurt, betrayed, alone, embarrassed and rejected. My bubble has burst, always a painful experience. What I thought was, wasn't. The people I thought were my friends, are not. My "Family" is just a collection of people who work together. I am embarrassed that I caused someone else to be upset. I am betrayed and rejected that they didn't come to me. I am hurt that they could have ruined my career simply because they were offended. They will probably be over it quickly. I will not. My offense probably had no long lasting effects on their life and certainly did not contain the potential for ruin. Their response does have long lasting effects and had the potential for significant ruin. I feel alone, not knowing who it is safe to talk around. I have resorted to being professional and closed, out of fear that I may offend. It hurts.

Once again in my life I have been left alone. Not knowing to whom I may turn, not having anyone I can call friend or family. Life sucks, but it must go on. Life is, for me, colorful and full of loss.

Two Sides of an On Edge Coin

I have had the following thoughts within the last 24 hours and may help to demonstrate why I am so very much on edge. I will, in keeping with the analogy, title the thoughts Heads and Tails. I am not sure if there is much significance to which label applied to which thought, I will leave that to the psychoanalysts out there.

Tails
These thoughts came to me while driving, shortly after I had an argument with the spouse in which she let a giant 'I TOLD YOU SO' slip out in my direction. I went on to think the following (names hidden to protect those presumed innocent):

Dear ****,
I finally know why you do not love me anymore. I am a loser. No matter how hard I may try. I lose. My accomplishments are not enough, in your eyes I am a loser. My career and earnings are not enough, I am a loser. The home I have provided are not up to your specs, and I am a loser. I am neither man enough to take control nor humble enough to not be sanctimonious and I am therefore a loser. I am a loser in your eyes and mine. And I hate you for it. I gave in, I caved, I let you change me in ways that were not healthy and for that I am a loser. Ultimately, I lost you and that makes me the biggest loser.

I felt cold, alone, angry and hurt.
I realize that I allowed this to happen and I cannot blame you. It makes me feel even more the loser that I realize that I did this to my life and can now find no way out without compromising what I loosely call principles.

Heads
These thoughts occurred as I lay down to sleep, very shortly after the above. I began to think that I was/am a quality "product." I can be caring, attentive, loving, and compassionate. I am sensitive without being a total wimp. I can stand up for myself. I am accomplished. I am successful. I am a good father. Etc. I felt good thinking these things - why did they fade. All of the statements are true - and more. Why do I let this fade?

In all honesty I started this post in the middle of November and it is now the end of the month. A lot has happened since, but I am still amazed at myself for flip-flopping between these feelings. I am amazed that I go from being certain my wife is having an affair to thinking that that is absurd. I do not feel insecure in the traditional sense. I have a growing sense of being OK with myself, but the flips remain. I am still lagging in faith and spiritual growth is almost in reverse - but I've recently had reminders of the importance of moving forward spiritually and realize I need to take heed. I suppose this is enough navel gazing for the day and I feel sufficiently "catharsed" to let it go for the day...

...Randomnonsense

I am afraid, even here. In this semi-anonymous state I remain afraid to really say what is on my mind. What if someone reads it and knows me? What if they are offended, or worse they tell someone what I have said and it gets back to me or the family? How do I articulate my fears about my wife and her fidelity? How do I enunciate my worries over today/tomorrow/next week/next year? How do I stop being afraid; how do I come to the point that my sanity is more important that what others may think? How do I live?

Hope is so nebulous - here one moment and within my grasp and whisping away like smoke the next. I look at my wife and almost come to tears and feel like a weak fool for it. She doesn't realize, lost her her own stories and daily grind. I grow increasingly convinced that I've lost her. Perversely, that makes me hope and despair at the same time. What a tool I've become - trying to appear confident and crumbling within.

I absolutely ache within my chest. I have so much love I want to give and no one to accept it. I know, my kids - and they do with gusto. I am speaking of another adult, a companion, a spouse, a soulmate (if such truly exists). I want to love, but do not know how or am so bad at it that I am rejected. Am I that disgusting? Am I that unloveable that everyone I've loved has rejected me?

"I pity the fool," and I am that fool. But I neither deserve pity nor want it. I am simply the fool.

Jake !

Really??!

I finally bit the bullet and went to a church service. It was odd, but it felt kinda good. It was odd in that I at once felt at home and a stranger. The church was one I'd never been to in the past and had wanted to try. The music was very good - contemporary, the way I like it. The preaching was even good; not the best but on point and attention keeping. I felt good for going, but didn't feel a connection.

I think sometimes I place too much on feeling. If I don't feel a service or the music, does that mean it wasn't a good one? I don't think so. I think it has more to do with me (bit ego centric??). I mean, I am the one distancing myself from God, not the other way round. Can He help it if I don't feel the service??

Anyway, I then, last week, ran into an assoc pastor of a church I'd been to in the past. I liked the Preacher, but the music was blah at many times. Blah in the old Evangelical way as opposed to old familiar hymns of the mainstram or Catholic variety (does that make any sense?). The MiL says the music is "dead." So what is more important, the preaching or the music?

Seems like an easy choice...The Preaching. But as the MiL points out, the worship period is very important. I guess the self pity portion is what church should I go to now that I have stepped up to the idea of going again. I want to go with the good preacher, AND the place with the good music - but they are in different places and the kids desreve a stable church home.

The Eagle has Landed

My Mother-in-Law (MiL) has arrived and is fully ensconced in the home. While this may sound like bad news to some, I'm OK with the idea and the reality. I get along with the MiL fairly well; we share views, we like to discuss similar things, etc. Besides, she really does help around the house and with the kids. She has her own online life with a basket full of boy-toys she likes to chat with (some older, some younger than me). What I am worried about is the future.

I am wondering what strain this will put on a marriage some are suggesting should be euthanised. The Oldest Son has already placed quite a burden, but he is by degrees improving and maturing. Will the introduction of the MiL place a further burden on a system that is crumbling?

Like all excursions of worry into the uncharted future, this one will prove to be fruitless. It seems I spend a lot of time worrying about things - something I never thought I did, but am beginning to realize the truth. I have repeated ad nauseum to others that worry produces no results other than heartburn, etc. It seems wholly illogical to me to continue to worry knowing that it is a pointless exercise in wasting energy. And yet I do it over and over again AND about the SAME subjects over and over and over again. Why?

Trust.

I think I have lost trust in those close to me. I have lost some of the enforced innocence through which I viewed the world. Now I have lost trust in my wife, I don't really trust the MiL, and I think I have lost trust in God. What a sad and pathetic state of affairs I have created and/or allowed for myself. It seems to me, writing this over too much lunch that not trusting God is a symptom of a loss in faith, which I have certainly felt. If I cannot or do not trust God, then I have to worry about what will happen in my immediate and near future - including and especially those things over which I have little or no control. If I can simply start trusting in God, then He can do the worries and have the heartburn, etc. How can I Simply do this task when I have lost faith that God is even on my side?

God, of course doesn't take sides. He wants the best for all His kids, and that includes the wife that doesn't want me, the MiL, and everyone else calling Him Father. The sooner I get it through my head that God's plan for me is at times unknowable by me, and that He does have a plan for my marriage, the sooner I can start to trust again. Sounds simple (again) and I really am trying.

Believe it or not, this rambling mess helps me to see.

First Time for Everything

There is a first time for everything, and this is the first time I have done this. As time will probably tell, I am not a writer. I just needed the space to air out my thoughts and this seemed the modern way. I suppose I could just keep a written journal, but what is the fun in that? A Journal runs the risk of someone actually reading it, I think the risk is less here.

I have a problem (among way to many) of being stuck in my relationship. I could leave, but I think that is wrong. I could take the advise of friends and end it once and for all, but divorce is a word I don't even like to type, much less pursue. I have been married for 16 years; I have 3 great kids ages 18, 13, and 11. Almost 2 years ago my wife told me she didn't love me anymore. I'm a great guy, etc., etc., but no love. No, she didn't want to see a therapist - I'd expressed doubts in the past given the small town in which we live. For 2 years I've loved her without anything back. I want to maintain a family. I have tried to address changes in myself that she said were needed (those changes she was painfully right about). No physical relationship in 15 months. This is obviously not the depth of the 2 year conversation but the overview remains the same.

Current result (as opposed to end result - don't want it to be the end) is that I have lost trust in her, in myself; I have lost a sense of worth and purpose; I have put my spirituality on hold, despite trusting that God can and will work things out in time - I am frustrated by His timetable and not really knowing what my active role should be...

Like I said, I have a problem. I am lonely, physically/emotionally/spiritually isolated. I have very few friends and the friends I have are spread across country. I know God is waiting for me to get over my pity party; I know He will provide answers. In short, I know some of the things I should be doing but am not.

Guess I just needed to write it out and remind myself.