OK, this taking stock thing is really taking it's toll. But I can't help myself. It is some kind of whirlpool of dysphoria/regret/self aware self pity/bs, and being the rather miserable captain that i am, I cannot for the moment steer my way clear. That being said, let me indulge myself a bit more...

What is the metric of a man? By what do we measure a man? Some would say that wealth or material success is a excellent way to measure success. This does seem to be the most popular method used today in mainstream culture. Other measures I have seen people use include how many women you have had, how many babies you have made, how many fights you have won, and how much bs you can dish out. I disagree with these measures of a man's success. Sure, they measure something (lack of self control maybe (and isn't that a hoot coming from someone who just wrote about how he is going to indulge himself in a bit of uncontrolled selfishness!)).

I prefer to use some older standards. Some of these may seem naive, even stupid to some. But they are what I use, so if you want to disagree, get your own blog and do so (perhaps ad nauseum as I do). I prefer to use the following: Stands up for his beliefs, continues through adversity, willing to make and live by the hard choices in life, protects and cares for his family, willing to give everything - including life - for his family, leads by example and not just by dictate, willing to be the "bad guy" if that means the best choice for the family as a whole is made. Manhood is about sacrifice, being trustworthy, honesty and reverence. The Boy Scout Oath and Law sum it up pretty well, in my opinion. Of course, being a former Boy Scout, I have my biases. But I think they encompass moral absolutes that are needed in today's world. (Sorry all you relativists, but there are absolutes. If you insist that there are no absolutes, then you are simply refuting you own argument. See some discussions by Tim over at Random Observations for more details.)

So, where am I on this list of manly qualities? How do I fare? IMHO, not well. I have two choices here. I could allow myself to wallow in self pity and go nowhere, OR, I could reaffirm my beliefs as stated above and do my best to live by them. I know I am not perfect and I have never pretended to be perfect. But I can strive to live by my own standards, knowing that I will fail from time to time. The tough part, for me anyway, is trying not to feel like a failure when I stumble along the path. God, forgive me.............

Did you ever just sit back and take stock of your life? I mean, did you ever look back and make an honest review of the things you have done, the things you have been involved in, and the basic events of your life? Every now and then I try to do a review of sorts, usually when I am feeling miserable and it is usually a not subtle cry of "pity me!" But let's be honest, how far off am I on these self assessments, even when miserable? And no, I don't want or deserve any pity.
So, for a quick review:

Education - I suppose I have been successful on that front. I do have my regrets, but that is not the same as failing. There are many times I wished that I would have done something different. But, I didn't and I cannot change that fact now. Particularly since I am now and forever more paying off those student loans.

Marriage - I have been a failure. Not sure what else there is to say, other than I could have and should have done better than I did. I keep praying for a miracle though. Maybe one day this failure will turn the corner....

Fidelity - Successful thus far. This one is easy though, for many self esteem related issues. It is like a guy who boasts about not falling in the water while walking in a desert.

Kids - I did and am doing the best I know. The kids will make their own successes and failures. I think their mother and I have done a good job though at teaching the important things.

Work - I feel as if I am a failure. Flitting from one workplace to another, am I really a quality product if I can't seem to stay still? Business is slow and that may force another move. I can't help but feel a failure on this one.

Provider - Despite my salary, I feel a failure here too. It never seems enough. It never seems like I bring home enough to satisfy the bill collectors and the family. And don't even bring up the government - taxes are a bane to any rational person, but one we tolerated at appropriate levels for the good of the community. But when the taxes reach a point that they are now, well, It is a disincentive to work any harder, because you won't see any more income. In fact, you might lose more if you work harder, because the government takes more and more and more and more and more....

Leader - Of what? Fail.

Spiritually - I don't know. I feel good at times, like I have the faith to survive the storms, but I am the first one to cry out to God to calm the storms whenever a slight breeze kicks up. So how much faith do I actually have? I cry and mope and moan and complain when things don't go my way - what does that tell you about how much trust I have in God? Thing is, I am afraid to ask for more faith - knowing that God would be more than able to provide me with opportunities to exercise my faith. Faith, like muscle, must be strained to be strengthened. Character too. Problem is, I feel like a 98 pound weakling in a Mr Universe gym.

Emotionally - I am too dysphoric to really be considered an emotional success. I am way too easily rocked by setbacks to garner many positive points in this category. I guess I could say I am emotionally stable, just on the low end of the spectrum.

Physically - Not to be overly dramatic, but there is now way I could pass muster here. Over weight and so far removed from the demi-gods of the physical beauty world, this fight was over before it began.

Materialistically - Sure, we have some toys. Computer, xbox, wii, tv, tivo, etc. Yes we have some stuff others do not have. Yes, we have been blessed in some ways. Yes, we have a nice house. And yet, I am not so sure of my own success in this area. The house is nice - nicer now that the termite damage is fixed. But I think, in the end, these things are not as important as the things I have failed - like marriage. I look at our stuff and I see things that may be nice to look at or play with, but could never replace the feeling I get from holding my wife's hand. (I wish I had done that more when I had the opportunity)

I really only had the stomach to write about these few areas, but I am sure there are more I could mention. In review, it seems as if I have failed most areas of my life with the notable exception of the kids. And I want to stress that I am not saying this to gather pity points to myself. Please, save the pity for someone who deserves it.

I wonder what the endpoint will be. At what point will the scales of life be tipped, so that I could begin to see some of the positives that I may have tucked away somewhere. I don't know the answer to that one, pretty much like I don't know the answer to most questions I pose to myself. And, for the last time, don't have any pity or bad feelings about me. Don't even let yourself slip into some form of compassion. I know what responsibility I bear in all this. I know where my may faults are located. I just wanted to write this out as a sort of declaration of where I am at this moment. I have just enough faith to perhaps, maybe, if the sun is shining right, and the flowers have just the right bloom, believe that all this could change for the better. I just want it to happen sooner...