I grow more hopeless everyday. I sound so maudlin (if I even spelled it correctly). I am pathetic. A waste. And I wish there was a way out. Why doesn't God answer me? Perhaps He too has given up on me, but I don't think that's in His nature, unlike me. How did it get to this...I hate this, I hate me.

It's getting harder and harder to maintain daily functions. I find that I am not thinking as clearly, I am easily agitated, I am almost constantly overwhelmed...even by the simplest of tasks. I'm losing it, I'm afraid. I am so desperate for this all to end. But not by my own hand. I keep asking God to finish this once and for all; begging for that unbearable pressure in my chest, or that rending of my brain in a swift and deadly stroke. So far, He has rejected my pleas. How long, how long...

You know, its not as if I haven't tried. I have. Or at least I think I have. And yet I still feel as if there is nothing left. I am tired of clawing every day just to keep my head out of the shit; I am tired of failing every day. I really just want to say F it to everything, but I don't have whatever it takes to do that. It pisses me off that I am such a pathetic specimen, no wonder women don't want me - who in their right mind would want a guy that thinks he is a pathetic loser (and proves it daily). I am F'd, and I've done it to myself. And no, don't have any sympathy or pity for me, I simply don't deserve it. This is my bed of shit, I guess I have to lay in it; I just wanna know how long I gotta keep myself from drowning. I so very much want to let go...but I cant, that's God's choice, not mine.

I am ready to give up. I don't mean in a suicidal way...truthfully, I don't really know what I mean. I just know that I am tired. I have no peace, no hope, no future, nothing. Each day is something to be suffered, not enjoyed as God intended. I wish God would just end this......