Breakfast foods
Legos
Autumn and cool breezes
The beach when it is mostly empty, no matter the time of day or night
The mountains
The way ice looks covering everything after an ice storm, though I don't like the damage it causes
Rocking chairs
Rocking on the porch
Country roads and forests
Big cities - my favorites being Chicago and New York in no particular order. I also like St Louis, Atlanta and Boston. Dallas has its pluses
Tulsa and with it the Greek Festival, Mayfest, Octoberfest, Movies at the Williams Center (if they still show them), the Louisiane Restaurant (if it still exists), Goldies burgers, Peppers Restaurant, The Metro Diner, Peanut Butter Pie at Impressions, The rose gardens.
Being Underwater (SCUBA, not some random head-dunk)
The ocean
Boat rides to and from a dive
Swimming with Dolphins in Bonaire
Architecture, though I know nothing about it.
My kids eyes
Baby smiles
Pizza (Uno's!)
.....To be continued
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
A Take on Loss
I may be biased. Some would say that I have a skewed view of things. This may be true, but it doesn't change my opinion. In my opinion, Dementia and Schizophrenia are two of the worst diseases imaginable. Don't get me wrong; cancer, heart disease, chronic pain, etc are all terrible illnesses and I would wish them on no one. These more "physical" illnesses cause loss and heartache; they destroy the body. Dementia and Schizophrenia also cause loss, I am talking of the loss of the person hood. They steal a person, leaving someone you don't know to remind you of what was lost.
I have seen tears flow and tremendous grief from families and victims of the more "physical" illnesses. I have seen suffering and courage. I have seen people overcome and persevere through adversity. They are brave souls with determined minds. But for the most part they haven't lost control of their minds; their souls are not left wandering.
The loss of the essence of a person, to me, makes Schizophrenia and Dementia all the more wrenching. In dementia the mind fades, rapidly or slowly, and as it does so the body fails. The person we knew fades. Often, the worst parts of their pre-morbid or pre-illness personality emerge. They lose track of who we are and why we are there to care for them. They are frightened, not knowing why they are here, where their spouse has gone, who took their belongings. They want to go home, and yet they may be at the home they've lived in for years.
In schizophrenia, the change may be rapid with a loss of pre-morbid functioning. A once promising youth may be unable to hold a job. Relationships are lost amidst a cacophony of auditory or visual inputs that are the product of their own minds. Fear runs rampant as paranoia descends. I cannot image the horror of being insulted, being told that all you do is wrong, that you are going to be killed, that people are after you - constantly. If you have trouble concentrating in a noisy room, imagine that you carry that noisy room with you wherever you go. The meds help - may provide relief and improve the ability to function better in society, but are not perfect and carry risk.
That is why I believe the way I do. The loss of a person.
*I call some of these illnesses "physical" as we tend to think of mental and some brain illness as NOT having a physical component. Dementia tends to be thought of more and more as being physical by the general public as our understanding increases. I believe that schizophrenia is every bit as physical. This was my admittedly poor way of differentiating between the sets of problems I was talking about. I realize that I probably have contributed to further misunderstanding, but for now I do the best I can do with limited writing skills.
I have seen tears flow and tremendous grief from families and victims of the more "physical" illnesses. I have seen suffering and courage. I have seen people overcome and persevere through adversity. They are brave souls with determined minds. But for the most part they haven't lost control of their minds; their souls are not left wandering.
The loss of the essence of a person, to me, makes Schizophrenia and Dementia all the more wrenching. In dementia the mind fades, rapidly or slowly, and as it does so the body fails. The person we knew fades. Often, the worst parts of their pre-morbid or pre-illness personality emerge. They lose track of who we are and why we are there to care for them. They are frightened, not knowing why they are here, where their spouse has gone, who took their belongings. They want to go home, and yet they may be at the home they've lived in for years.
In schizophrenia, the change may be rapid with a loss of pre-morbid functioning. A once promising youth may be unable to hold a job. Relationships are lost amidst a cacophony of auditory or visual inputs that are the product of their own minds. Fear runs rampant as paranoia descends. I cannot image the horror of being insulted, being told that all you do is wrong, that you are going to be killed, that people are after you - constantly. If you have trouble concentrating in a noisy room, imagine that you carry that noisy room with you wherever you go. The meds help - may provide relief and improve the ability to function better in society, but are not perfect and carry risk.
That is why I believe the way I do. The loss of a person.
*I call some of these illnesses "physical" as we tend to think of mental and some brain illness as NOT having a physical component. Dementia tends to be thought of more and more as being physical by the general public as our understanding increases. I believe that schizophrenia is every bit as physical. This was my admittedly poor way of differentiating between the sets of problems I was talking about. I realize that I probably have contributed to further misunderstanding, but for now I do the best I can do with limited writing skills.
Monday, February 26, 2007
The list that (I hope) never ends
A man of my profession should know about happiness. I try to reach it daily, or at least I try to encourage others to do so. I have been asked repeatedly, "what is happiness?" I usually have some glib answer that may or not be relevant to whatever they are going through. But, what is happiness and what is it to be happy? Will I know it in the distance; will I know it if it slaps the fool out of me? I decided to write a list of things that make me happy, or at least I associate them with a sense of contentment - which may be 'happy,' I think. I hope I will remember to update or add to this list as time goes by. Some of these things are dopey, some idiotic, some cliche, but all are personal. I am not asking for any one's approval for my lists, except my own. I want this to be a reminder.
My kids, the way they smile, their laughter, the smell of their hair, their smart-ass comments, their quick wit, their observations on life, their similarities, their differences, their stupid jokes, their prescient jokes. JCMY's sports brain, his obvious and not so obvious intelligence, how he can be so caring, how he can so challenge me ( after I get over the initial anger, of course). SCY's smarts, his shyness, his love of books and sports, how he is so like me and yet so different. JCY's wit, the fact that he is across between his brothers and yet so unique, his humor.
Movies of all sorts, like science fiction, subtitled foreign, stupid monster movies, MST3K. Audrey Hepburn. Waterworld, GWTW. British TV shows like Monty Python and Red Dwarf. Music with my current favorites being: Blue October, Thousand Foot Krutch, Skillet, Mustard Plug, Streetlight Manifesto, Less Than Jake, TobyMac, Relient K, SuperChick, Alanis Morisette, Rush, Talking Heads, Yes. Many more...
Church when I don't feel inadequate there, my old Pastor - Sean, when I feel close to God.
Reading, reading, reading. From historical fiction (Dante Club was excellent) to Superstring Theory, to The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse, to the Ringworld series, to hard Science Fiction, to fantasy, to current politics, to religion.
Dark Chocolate
............to be continued (hopefully)
My kids, the way they smile, their laughter, the smell of their hair, their smart-ass comments, their quick wit, their observations on life, their similarities, their differences, their stupid jokes, their prescient jokes. JCMY's sports brain, his obvious and not so obvious intelligence, how he can be so caring, how he can so challenge me ( after I get over the initial anger, of course). SCY's smarts, his shyness, his love of books and sports, how he is so like me and yet so different. JCY's wit, the fact that he is across between his brothers and yet so unique, his humor.
Movies of all sorts, like science fiction, subtitled foreign, stupid monster movies, MST3K. Audrey Hepburn. Waterworld, GWTW. British TV shows like Monty Python and Red Dwarf. Music with my current favorites being: Blue October, Thousand Foot Krutch, Skillet, Mustard Plug, Streetlight Manifesto, Less Than Jake, TobyMac, Relient K, SuperChick, Alanis Morisette, Rush, Talking Heads, Yes. Many more...
Church when I don't feel inadequate there, my old Pastor - Sean, when I feel close to God.
Reading, reading, reading. From historical fiction (Dante Club was excellent) to Superstring Theory, to The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse, to the Ringworld series, to hard Science Fiction, to fantasy, to current politics, to religion.
Dark Chocolate
............to be continued (hopefully)
Friday, February 23, 2007
The heart ignores what the mind knows and mind denies what the heart proclaims to be true. And the soul is pissed at the sibling rivalry. How to quiet a mind disturbed by an unwanted reality? How to give peace to a heart broken? How to grow the spirit when the mind and heart are sulking, each separate from the other?
I don't know how to answer these questions, though I face them daily - in myself and others I see. I feel, many times, impotent in my abilities to give comfort when needed and advice when asked - even if the supplicant is me.
I don't know how to answer these questions, though I face them daily - in myself and others I see. I feel, many times, impotent in my abilities to give comfort when needed and advice when asked - even if the supplicant is me.
He broke my heart tonight. My littlest boy - not so little at twelve - came out crying from his room. The cat was breathing funny and he was worried. He has known this cat his whole life - the cat has raised him. She goes to bed with the 2 youngest kids every night and stays with them until they are asleep. The youngest is so good with the cat and the dog - he obviously cares deeply for the animals in our home. It hurts me that the aged cat's breathing would pain him. She is old, 20 plus years, and has gotten quite thin. He doesn't want to see her suffer and doesn't want her to be put to sleep or die. It is good to see our kids grow and to face new challenges; but incredibly hard to see them work through this situation. I have done my best to comfort him and remind him of the joy he has brought to her life and he seems satisfied for now.
Another paradox of life. My heart is broken by his pain and filled with love for him at the same time. Pain and swelling joy of love all brought about by child's heart pouring out. Amazing.
Another paradox of life. My heart is broken by his pain and filled with love for him at the same time. Pain and swelling joy of love all brought about by child's heart pouring out. Amazing.
Apparently I have some time on my hands today. People are not showing up for their appointments. I wonder if it has something to do with the beautiful day we are having. Here in Albany, GA is is a bright and clear 77F. Patients (clients if you prefer) have been commenting on the nice spring like weather today. A relief from the cloudy blahs of the last few days.
Here I am, doing what everyone does when they have nothing to say - talking about the weather. Quite imaginative. I have been reading Steve Berry's The Third Secret and so far enjoy the mystery. It has gotten me thinking about a number of subjects - church and travel being two of them. My grandmother was Catholic, as have any number of my friends from days gone by. Although I am more properly a Protestant, I have a fondness for the Catholic Church. I personally dislike the sectarian divides within the Christian Church, but I don't want to open that can o' worms. I am not theologically or intellectually strong enough to fight a fight that has been going on for hundreds of years. Anyway, it makes me wonder about my own faith and when I will wander back to the church and actually participate in what I believe.
Travel. I love to travel, but have limited myself for many reason - some quite illogical like a touch of social phobia. The book mentions Romania, Bosnia, Italy, etc. I would love to visit these places, despite my having, perhaps, a romanticized picture of these places in my head. I have seen pictures and they are beautiful. I would like to visit the Carpathians before I die, not sure why, but would like to none the less. Also Ireland. A bit of a jump there but loose associations are my friend. Maybe I can start making some of these ideas come true in the next few years...
Here I am, doing what everyone does when they have nothing to say - talking about the weather. Quite imaginative. I have been reading Steve Berry's The Third Secret and so far enjoy the mystery. It has gotten me thinking about a number of subjects - church and travel being two of them. My grandmother was Catholic, as have any number of my friends from days gone by. Although I am more properly a Protestant, I have a fondness for the Catholic Church. I personally dislike the sectarian divides within the Christian Church, but I don't want to open that can o' worms. I am not theologically or intellectually strong enough to fight a fight that has been going on for hundreds of years. Anyway, it makes me wonder about my own faith and when I will wander back to the church and actually participate in what I believe.
Travel. I love to travel, but have limited myself for many reason - some quite illogical like a touch of social phobia. The book mentions Romania, Bosnia, Italy, etc. I would love to visit these places, despite my having, perhaps, a romanticized picture of these places in my head. I have seen pictures and they are beautiful. I would like to visit the Carpathians before I die, not sure why, but would like to none the less. Also Ireland. A bit of a jump there but loose associations are my friend. Maybe I can start making some of these ideas come true in the next few years...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
From Yahoo 360 2/22/7
It has been over a week now and I can perhaps sit back and reflect on Valentine's Day. I did not want to participate. Given that the Love of my life told me she didn't love me any more some 2 plus years ago, it was no wonder. Why THIS Valentine's though? Perhaps I am more acutely feeling the loss. i would like to believe that I have comes to terms with a least a portion of the loss. Perhaps it is the divorce papers I have been trying to ignore. We still live in the same house, still take equal parts in the kids, still share everything but our bed and our hearts. A strange and some would say idiotic position, but it is one that has slowly evolved. Kinda like the duck billed platypus of relationships. So I did the thing I think I am good at, I ignored V Day. So did she, and I was glad.
In the midst of my sadness, I happened upon a blog on 360. Honestly I saw it a couple of weeks ago and enjoyed the observations of the author. Plus the author's name was to me cool - her first is a variation of my middle and her last is similar to my middle child's name. Kind of weird, but that is the way the world seems to work. Anyway, her writings on V day lifted my spirit and I thank her for that. The blog is 365 Frames of Freedom and usually has some interesting poetry and music. I almost feel as if I am intruding by reading, but that is what blogs are for, right? Maybe happy days are/will be coming again....?
In the midst of my sadness, I happened upon a blog on 360. Honestly I saw it a couple of weeks ago and enjoyed the observations of the author. Plus the author's name was to me cool - her first is a variation of my middle and her last is similar to my middle child's name. Kind of weird, but that is the way the world seems to work. Anyway, her writings on V day lifted my spirit and I thank her for that. The blog is 365 Frames of Freedom and usually has some interesting poetry and music. I almost feel as if I am intruding by reading, but that is what blogs are for, right? Maybe happy days are/will be coming again....?
From my Yahoo 360 site 2/9/7
I almost said Bipolar. And I would have been wrong. Yes, my moods do go back and forth, giving the impression of a swing. But it is not Bipolar. The constant struggle of the light and dark sides of myself to gain supremacy seems more apt. The yin and yang of it, I suppose. One day, dark side ascendant, I am all gloom and doom. I am a hopeless nobody consumed with my own self pity and regret for everything I have done. I profess a loss of faith and trust in myself, my God, and my world. Struggling back is the positive. That I am a decent human, flawed but not ruined. I have accomplishment, I have faith and hope is there at all times. Taken separately, they seem Bipolar. But the whole is more the truth - both sides juxtaposed upon my every moment, struggling to be heard.
Or... I spend way too much time navel gazing and should just get on with the business of living and not struggle with that which I cannot control. With each tragedy, I suppose, comes treasure. I just have a hard time realizing what the treasure is at any given moment. Perhaps if I would look up from my navel, I would see the treasures around me. In my kids, in my friends, in my God, and in my self.
Or... I spend way too much time navel gazing and should just get on with the business of living and not struggle with that which I cannot control. With each tragedy, I suppose, comes treasure. I just have a hard time realizing what the treasure is at any given moment. Perhaps if I would look up from my navel, I would see the treasures around me. In my kids, in my friends, in my God, and in my self.
Monday, February 19, 2007
...Randomnonsense II
I cannot help it. I am frustrated by my constant staring down at he bottom half of life. And yet, I struggle to be happy. I am frustrated by the Limbo of a life that I have and I rail against my ability to change it. I know I can change things, quite dramatically, but I lack the courage. I could leave, sign the papers and go about my life. Too scared. I do not want to leave the kids behind, and I use that as an excuse to continue living as I am living. I feel quite guilty thinking it would be easiest to leave everything behind, but I cannot do without my kids. They are my only life.
Strange how things grow cold. I was thinking about what I would change if I could go back 10 years. Fruitless. I wonder how things will be in 10 years. Equally fruitless. I think I think too much and I let that drag me down. Maybe I was thoughtless and that is why I am here. I dunno anymore.
Confidence is a two edged sword and I do not know how to wield it. I frequently cut myself and my friends.
I want to love and be loved. Why can't I wait. Am I that desperate and needy? Or am I simply starving after over 2 years of doing without?
I miss physical contact. Me. The guy that doesn't like to hug and likes to maintain a good social distance to people. Am I just whining about what I cannot have, or am I thirsty from almost 2 years without?
I whine a lot and it is draining. I feel like JD on the latest episode of Scrubs.
I feel about 17 years younger than I am.
I want to date, but not really. I think it is symptom or a result of living the way I do and wanting more. Someone wise reminded me to finish one relationship before starting another. Don't want to rush and perhaps further my dependency needs.
I have a lot to offer, very little of it is in cold hard cash. I make a decent salary, but send all of it away to various institutions (read bills) and student loans - yes, student loans. I may die before my student loans do.
I should listen to my own advise.
365 Frames of Freedom is a fun blog to read. She usually has some music I've never heard of. Makes me feel insular and acultural. Oh well. The blog, by the way is on Yahoo 360
Upon entering the Twilight Zone, I think I would marry Jennifer Aniston. Not just because of her looks - Angelina Jolie is good looking, better according to some, and I would not want to have a relationship with her - but because she seems honestly nice. I hope reality is close to my perception. I remember seeing and reading about Chevy Chase. While he is very funny, it is diminished by what I perceive as him having a jerk of a personality. I hope in this case reality is far from what I have perceived.
I enjoy Blue October. The lyrics speak to me (how cliche) and the main singer and lyricist seems to have overcome a lot of adversity.
I have very fond memories of my first girlfriend. I find that I wish her the best of everything. I want her marriage to remain strong and her kids to achieve wildly. I hope that this type of mature, non-romantic love can someday fill my heart for my soon to be X. Right now I suffer through the loss of the romantic kinda love and it hurts like hell. I don't want hatred or anger or resentment to grow in its place; I want to mature love to grow. I hope I am man enough to nurture that love. I feel that I was not man enough to nurture the other and thus the marriage failed, but maybe this is only a partial truth and I should just get over it now.
Strange how things grow cold. I was thinking about what I would change if I could go back 10 years. Fruitless. I wonder how things will be in 10 years. Equally fruitless. I think I think too much and I let that drag me down. Maybe I was thoughtless and that is why I am here. I dunno anymore.
Confidence is a two edged sword and I do not know how to wield it. I frequently cut myself and my friends.
I want to love and be loved. Why can't I wait. Am I that desperate and needy? Or am I simply starving after over 2 years of doing without?
I miss physical contact. Me. The guy that doesn't like to hug and likes to maintain a good social distance to people. Am I just whining about what I cannot have, or am I thirsty from almost 2 years without?
I whine a lot and it is draining. I feel like JD on the latest episode of Scrubs.
I feel about 17 years younger than I am.
I want to date, but not really. I think it is symptom or a result of living the way I do and wanting more. Someone wise reminded me to finish one relationship before starting another. Don't want to rush and perhaps further my dependency needs.
I have a lot to offer, very little of it is in cold hard cash. I make a decent salary, but send all of it away to various institutions (read bills) and student loans - yes, student loans. I may die before my student loans do.
I should listen to my own advise.
365 Frames of Freedom is a fun blog to read. She usually has some music I've never heard of. Makes me feel insular and acultural. Oh well. The blog, by the way is on Yahoo 360
Upon entering the Twilight Zone, I think I would marry Jennifer Aniston. Not just because of her looks - Angelina Jolie is good looking, better according to some, and I would not want to have a relationship with her - but because she seems honestly nice. I hope reality is close to my perception. I remember seeing and reading about Chevy Chase. While he is very funny, it is diminished by what I perceive as him having a jerk of a personality. I hope in this case reality is far from what I have perceived.
I enjoy Blue October. The lyrics speak to me (how cliche) and the main singer and lyricist seems to have overcome a lot of adversity.
I have very fond memories of my first girlfriend. I find that I wish her the best of everything. I want her marriage to remain strong and her kids to achieve wildly. I hope that this type of mature, non-romantic love can someday fill my heart for my soon to be X. Right now I suffer through the loss of the romantic kinda love and it hurts like hell. I don't want hatred or anger or resentment to grow in its place; I want to mature love to grow. I hope I am man enough to nurture that love. I feel that I was not man enough to nurture the other and thus the marriage failed, but maybe this is only a partial truth and I should just get over it now.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Acouple-a Years Ago...
I was thinking about what I would like my obituary or tombstone to say. Or maybe just what I would be remembered for, if remembered at all. I know, but I am a morbid person at times. Anyway, I came down to three things that I wanted people to think of me and I thought it would be just the height of hilarity to see if I am currently meeting those thoughts or goals.
He was a man of God
Failing. No question. Failing. I no longer go to church. I no longer read the Bible as I should - or at all. I no longer pray as I should - mostly not at all. I have been mad at God, angry for my life and the way it is turning out. I no longer feel the Holy Spirit moving in me. I feel a hunger I suppose, but do nothing about it. My most recent prayers I did ask for God to help me to forgive and move on - to forgive me for my own "acting out." All in all, I am failing, but I do not want to anymore. So what will I do about it?
He was a good Husband
I am unsure what grade I would give myself. I feel that I have certainly made huge mistakes, but I have worked very hard to correct these mistakes. If my impending divorce is any measure, I am a miserable failure and very much feel the part. I have, however, come to some peace in the last couple of years in that regard. I feel that I have been a good husband and did my best most of the time. I am loving, compassionate, giving, etc. Have I been perfect - no one has. Have I been great, no. I am fully aware of my shortcomings and ironically it is that awareness that actually drives me to greater shortcomings. I give myself a comfortable B, if not a low A. This of course is an average, for I have had plenty of C's and F's along the way.
He was a good Father
Here, I think I pass with flying colors. I do not think I am the best there ever was, but I am certainly a very good Father and Dad to my kids. I have tried to do the right things and I have failed at them. My positives, though, far outweigh the negatives. The oldest son may disagree - but I think as he matures beyond who he is now and deals with his personal 'demons' he will appreciate that I was and am a good Dad. I have made a concerted effort to correct my mistakes along the way, and to always be there for them. I have been harsh and a disciplinarian. I have also been accused of being too easy at times. Overall, a high A is the grade I would give myself.
So. An F, a B and an A. Am I passing? No, I don't think so, but I am improving. A few months back (6-12) I would have said F, F, A. I know the further changes I have to make, but it is always the implementation of those ideas and goals that are the hardest. Wish me luck as I try to improve my Tombstone GPA.
He was a man of God
Failing. No question. Failing. I no longer go to church. I no longer read the Bible as I should - or at all. I no longer pray as I should - mostly not at all. I have been mad at God, angry for my life and the way it is turning out. I no longer feel the Holy Spirit moving in me. I feel a hunger I suppose, but do nothing about it. My most recent prayers I did ask for God to help me to forgive and move on - to forgive me for my own "acting out." All in all, I am failing, but I do not want to anymore. So what will I do about it?
He was a good Husband
I am unsure what grade I would give myself. I feel that I have certainly made huge mistakes, but I have worked very hard to correct these mistakes. If my impending divorce is any measure, I am a miserable failure and very much feel the part. I have, however, come to some peace in the last couple of years in that regard. I feel that I have been a good husband and did my best most of the time. I am loving, compassionate, giving, etc. Have I been perfect - no one has. Have I been great, no. I am fully aware of my shortcomings and ironically it is that awareness that actually drives me to greater shortcomings. I give myself a comfortable B, if not a low A. This of course is an average, for I have had plenty of C's and F's along the way.
He was a good Father
Here, I think I pass with flying colors. I do not think I am the best there ever was, but I am certainly a very good Father and Dad to my kids. I have tried to do the right things and I have failed at them. My positives, though, far outweigh the negatives. The oldest son may disagree - but I think as he matures beyond who he is now and deals with his personal 'demons' he will appreciate that I was and am a good Dad. I have made a concerted effort to correct my mistakes along the way, and to always be there for them. I have been harsh and a disciplinarian. I have also been accused of being too easy at times. Overall, a high A is the grade I would give myself.
So. An F, a B and an A. Am I passing? No, I don't think so, but I am improving. A few months back (6-12) I would have said F, F, A. I know the further changes I have to make, but it is always the implementation of those ideas and goals that are the hardest. Wish me luck as I try to improve my Tombstone GPA.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Spring Flowers...?
I was just sitting and talking and someone said something that struck me. They paraphrased "everything in its season." What season is this then? I feel stuck in a particularly cold and dark winter. One in which I am starved, shivering and on the brink of losing several appendages due to frost bite. Where am I? Am I in the Arctic Circle - the forever winter? Will the Spring ever come with its promise of renewal and love? I am afraid I do not know the answer to these questions as I am stuck, snow blind in a blizzard in the dead of winter...
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