First Time for Everything

There is a first time for everything, and this is the first time I have done this. As time will probably tell, I am not a writer. I just needed the space to air out my thoughts and this seemed the modern way. I suppose I could just keep a written journal, but what is the fun in that? A Journal runs the risk of someone actually reading it, I think the risk is less here.

I have a problem (among way to many) of being stuck in my relationship. I could leave, but I think that is wrong. I could take the advise of friends and end it once and for all, but divorce is a word I don't even like to type, much less pursue. I have been married for 16 years; I have 3 great kids ages 18, 13, and 11. Almost 2 years ago my wife told me she didn't love me anymore. I'm a great guy, etc., etc., but no love. No, she didn't want to see a therapist - I'd expressed doubts in the past given the small town in which we live. For 2 years I've loved her without anything back. I want to maintain a family. I have tried to address changes in myself that she said were needed (those changes she was painfully right about). No physical relationship in 15 months. This is obviously not the depth of the 2 year conversation but the overview remains the same.

Current result (as opposed to end result - don't want it to be the end) is that I have lost trust in her, in myself; I have lost a sense of worth and purpose; I have put my spirituality on hold, despite trusting that God can and will work things out in time - I am frustrated by His timetable and not really knowing what my active role should be...

Like I said, I have a problem. I am lonely, physically/emotionally/spiritually isolated. I have very few friends and the friends I have are spread across country. I know God is waiting for me to get over my pity party; I know He will provide answers. In short, I know some of the things I should be doing but am not.

Guess I just needed to write it out and remind myself.