Two Sides of an On Edge Coin

I have had the following thoughts within the last 24 hours and may help to demonstrate why I am so very much on edge. I will, in keeping with the analogy, title the thoughts Heads and Tails. I am not sure if there is much significance to which label applied to which thought, I will leave that to the psychoanalysts out there.

Tails
These thoughts came to me while driving, shortly after I had an argument with the spouse in which she let a giant 'I TOLD YOU SO' slip out in my direction. I went on to think the following (names hidden to protect those presumed innocent):

Dear ****,
I finally know why you do not love me anymore. I am a loser. No matter how hard I may try. I lose. My accomplishments are not enough, in your eyes I am a loser. My career and earnings are not enough, I am a loser. The home I have provided are not up to your specs, and I am a loser. I am neither man enough to take control nor humble enough to not be sanctimonious and I am therefore a loser. I am a loser in your eyes and mine. And I hate you for it. I gave in, I caved, I let you change me in ways that were not healthy and for that I am a loser. Ultimately, I lost you and that makes me the biggest loser.

I felt cold, alone, angry and hurt.
I realize that I allowed this to happen and I cannot blame you. It makes me feel even more the loser that I realize that I did this to my life and can now find no way out without compromising what I loosely call principles.

Heads
These thoughts occurred as I lay down to sleep, very shortly after the above. I began to think that I was/am a quality "product." I can be caring, attentive, loving, and compassionate. I am sensitive without being a total wimp. I can stand up for myself. I am accomplished. I am successful. I am a good father. Etc. I felt good thinking these things - why did they fade. All of the statements are true - and more. Why do I let this fade?

In all honesty I started this post in the middle of November and it is now the end of the month. A lot has happened since, but I am still amazed at myself for flip-flopping between these feelings. I am amazed that I go from being certain my wife is having an affair to thinking that that is absurd. I do not feel insecure in the traditional sense. I have a growing sense of being OK with myself, but the flips remain. I am still lagging in faith and spiritual growth is almost in reverse - but I've recently had reminders of the importance of moving forward spiritually and realize I need to take heed. I suppose this is enough navel gazing for the day and I feel sufficiently "catharsed" to let it go for the day...

...Randomnonsense

I am afraid, even here. In this semi-anonymous state I remain afraid to really say what is on my mind. What if someone reads it and knows me? What if they are offended, or worse they tell someone what I have said and it gets back to me or the family? How do I articulate my fears about my wife and her fidelity? How do I enunciate my worries over today/tomorrow/next week/next year? How do I stop being afraid; how do I come to the point that my sanity is more important that what others may think? How do I live?

Hope is so nebulous - here one moment and within my grasp and whisping away like smoke the next. I look at my wife and almost come to tears and feel like a weak fool for it. She doesn't realize, lost her her own stories and daily grind. I grow increasingly convinced that I've lost her. Perversely, that makes me hope and despair at the same time. What a tool I've become - trying to appear confident and crumbling within.

I absolutely ache within my chest. I have so much love I want to give and no one to accept it. I know, my kids - and they do with gusto. I am speaking of another adult, a companion, a spouse, a soulmate (if such truly exists). I want to love, but do not know how or am so bad at it that I am rejected. Am I that disgusting? Am I that unloveable that everyone I've loved has rejected me?

"I pity the fool," and I am that fool. But I neither deserve pity nor want it. I am simply the fool.

Jake !

Really??!

I finally bit the bullet and went to a church service. It was odd, but it felt kinda good. It was odd in that I at once felt at home and a stranger. The church was one I'd never been to in the past and had wanted to try. The music was very good - contemporary, the way I like it. The preaching was even good; not the best but on point and attention keeping. I felt good for going, but didn't feel a connection.

I think sometimes I place too much on feeling. If I don't feel a service or the music, does that mean it wasn't a good one? I don't think so. I think it has more to do with me (bit ego centric??). I mean, I am the one distancing myself from God, not the other way round. Can He help it if I don't feel the service??

Anyway, I then, last week, ran into an assoc pastor of a church I'd been to in the past. I liked the Preacher, but the music was blah at many times. Blah in the old Evangelical way as opposed to old familiar hymns of the mainstram or Catholic variety (does that make any sense?). The MiL says the music is "dead." So what is more important, the preaching or the music?

Seems like an easy choice...The Preaching. But as the MiL points out, the worship period is very important. I guess the self pity portion is what church should I go to now that I have stepped up to the idea of going again. I want to go with the good preacher, AND the place with the good music - but they are in different places and the kids desreve a stable church home.