Bubble bullets of love, he said.  Odd thing to say, but I knew what he meant.  Like some kind of crazy anti-emo thing, only, I don't know, friendly.  I just looked and tried to smile, not sure if I could fake it anymore....

Some people lock themselves in cages, afraid to venture forth from the safety of their homes.  Their own private Hell.  I carry mine with me...I'm a modern man on the go, I'm wireless and mobile, so I carry my Hell with me.  I'm locked inside my own mobile cage....

She felt a sudden twist.  A wrenching of her world, as the consequences of her actions settled in on her.  But she didn't care, she knew she was right.  Still, that nagging feeling that she'd overlooked something, a drip, drip, drip in her heart...

See if you can get through this poorly constructed metaphor: A man has but one task, to climb the hill. He struggles and struggles to climb the rock face. At some point he may choose a climbing companion, someone to watch his ropes and to have his back. It's not long before the man realizes that he us surrounded by thousands, perhaps millions, of faceless people, all throwing stones, tearing at his path, his ropes, his handholds, everything. More often than not, his climbing companion decides to chuck it all in and cuts his life life...seems there us always a better climber one hill over. The man realizes that his struggles seem meaningless and turns to his creator...who tells him to keep climbing. And what's at the top? I'm not sure I care anymore what's at the top. I'm tired of climbing this rock...

Life only happens in movies. It's only there that the sweet, nice guy gets noticed by the girl. In real life, the nice sweet guy just pisses life away, wishing things were somehow different. The idiotic things the nice guy says in the movies gets him the sweetheart, in reality he's laughed at by people he thought were friends. And yet the nice guy can't bring himself to treat women like objects, can't bring himself to be an ass. So the girl leaves with the tough guy asshole....


Screw it, as if it ever mattered....

I may be a little slow, but I was thinking today about why I feel so insecure about the kids. It seems that I start to worry and get upset if I think that I have made them unhappy. I don't like feeling that way, and frankly it felt a bit immature. Then I hit upon the idea that I am afraid that if I don't do just right, that they will stop loving me like their mom did. And that struck a chord....it felt right. So, now that I have made that realization, I guess I will have to learn to trust that their love is not as mercurial and will perhaps survive. Problem is, I still struggle with the why's of being loved, instead of just accepting that it is true. Head games I know. And man did I sure allow myself to become screwed up by this woman. I'm not blaming her, I actively participated.....live and grow I suppose.

Ok. Enough is enough. It is long past time to give up this self-pity-woe-is-me-pathetic-I'm-a-zombie crap. I think it is time to turn that corner. It is all but a done deal. The court date is set, and I am actually looking forward to the slight possibility that someone could care about me again. (Didn't say I wasn't going to be self centered anymore!)I think I can start to dream again.

Funny things happen to a man who is alone. He begins to think he is normal. That all his oddities are the way things ought to be. He begins to think he can do things, things he would never have done before. He begins to think things, things that are strange. And he commits them too. And he just....continues.

I'm really just tired of the shit filled hole that I've created out of my life. I feel like just a fuckin waste....

I would suggest that anyone just give up on me, please, I'm not worth it in any way.

Life is a cruel birch. I was gonna say bitch, but I was auto corrected to birch and I think I like it better. Yes, life is an angry, angry tree with skin condition. In the last 20 or so years, I have met exactly two women that make me feel happy just by being around them. Two. One doesn't want me and has turned happiness to the deepest of sorrows. The other I can't be with for any number of reasons. Life sucks. Or maybe it's just me.