Felicitas solus meus est calamitas

I think that, a few well placed word to the contrary, I am a continual disappointment to God. I base this on my apparent lack of trust, in that I feel empty, hollow and alone. Despite what I believe to be true, I continue to fear and dread each day. Instead of being filled with joy and thanksgiving, I selfishly focus on my misery and heartache. I can't seem to move past that point, thus I am that most dispised of things, a zombie. Once full of life, now hating it. I wish God would end my existence. Sadly, I don't even know what to pray for, what I want or what to do anymore. I'm glad nobody reads this, because if they did, I wouldn't be able to live in the fantasy that maybe what I write isn't true. Skip it, I don't deserve to be happy or with someone and that's just the way it is for me.

I just reread the whole mantra thing and thought, "what an ass." What a piece of self involved crap that was, don't you think? Well, this continues in that same vein...

I really need to stop looking for support from people. People don't care, and honestly, why should they? They have lives, every bit as filled with heartache and disappointments as i do, so why would I think that I deserve some special attention? I don't, plan and simple. As I devolved into a shell of my former self, as I become the zombie, I should not expect others to make that trip with me. In a not really clever way, this all becomes self fulfilling prophecy. Well, ok then, I am saying that you have an out...you don't have to waste your life worrying about me, I think its pretty clear that I am an increasingly hopeless case. Spend your energy on someone who deserves the attention. Me, I will just drag you down with me. Let me live and die the way I was meant to, alone. Trite, i know, but I mean it completely. I am not looking for compliments or trying to guilt you into anything, i am trying to let you know that's its ok to leave me be, it is, to borrow an over used phrase, my destiny.

This then is my mantra, given to me be age and experience. It is based in observation and a review of the events around me. It is a mantra of self centeredness and selfishness. Do not curse me for what I have written, this is my mantra and not yours. You can argue that I am full of bs, that this mantra reflects a spoiled infant crying over drops of milk when placed in comparison to the ills of this life. So what. Take your arguments, fling them at me, assail me with your truths, it won't change a thing. As I said, this is a mantra of self centeredness and selfishness.

I hate my life.
I hate who I am and who I have become.
I deserve everything bad that happens to me.
I am a worthless SOB.
I spoil all I touch.
I am a failure.
I hurt those I love, not through intention, but through being.
I deserve to be alone.

There comes a time when you simply have to face reality. I mean, sit down and stare reality in the face and say, "OK reality, show me what you've got." I'm not sure that this is one of those times. Maybe it is, I really don't know anymore. From my point of view, I've been staring at reality too long and it is an ugly SOB. Of course, the reality we each stare at is a reality of our own creation. Through action, or lack thereof, we mold the ugly mug we stare at day after day. If that reality leaps up and bites your face off, its only because we gave it the fangs. If reality unzips and pisses all over your face, all the while laughing like a maniac, it is because of all the juice we've forced it to drink; the juice of our own ignorance or the juice of unrequited anger/love/remorse, it really doesn't matter.

Me, I gave reality a freakin shovel and said, "start digging you stupid bastard!" And dig it did. I am now so far in the hole that sunlight has become a myth. I'm not sure even God can see me down here. And its my fault, no one else's. Great thing is, while I've been feeding reality all the red meat it can eat, its been deficating down the same hole. I don't think reality hears me any more, it is too far above me. But it stares at me, and waits. Waits to spring into action and rip me apart. I wish it would hurry....