My youngest child sat me down tonight and schooled me about my life. With wisdom seldom seen in a 15 year old, he told me that I deserved to be happy and to be with someone better for me. Amazing.

It's not so much a question of what God CAN do, but rather what He is WILLING to do. And I don't mean that in a malicious or irreverent way. God can do whatever He chooses, He is God afterall. I am stuck with thinking that God is unwilling to do, for whatever reason. And again, I am not accusing Him of any maliciousness, because I am sure that whatever reasons He has for not doing are good and pure. Again, He is God. I do not understand His reasons, but His ways are higher than mine. Question is, I feel so miserable, is that a sign of a lack of faith? Is He not responding because I lack faith or diligence, or trust, or a myriad of other things I lack? These things I don't know. I feel like a child.

I am tired. Really. I heard a sermon on regaining your strength; a sermon on renewing yourself. I came away realizing that I am one lousy Christian. I am just so tired of it all. I almost wished I believed in suicide, but for now I do not. I just wish God would release me from this burden called life. I don't need a crown, or gold covered streets, I just need to be in His proximity. I don't need accolades or honors, I don't need to be recognized. I just need to rest. I want out, and there is no way out. The one who holds the key is not letting me out and I cannot fathom why. I am told i should just trust Him....and that is why I am such a lousy follower. I obviously don't trust Him enough, it shows in how I act, feel and think. Still, I wish God would allow me out. I can't stand my heart being torn to pieces, gaping holes in my soul. It seems the whole two become one thing was pretty one sided, and I don't have the gumption to survive. God, please let me out..........I hate what I am, who I am becoming, and where I am in life. I want to die, not to kill myself...can you see the difference? I guess at this point I am just rambling, so nevermind......

There has been a lot of tragedy lately....at least that is the way it seems right now. It has served to remind me that we never know what life may hold or when life may end. I know I've been on the dysphoric side lately, but this is in no way related to suicide. I am talking about everyday life and the rapidity with which it can change or end. As such, I wonder how do I say goodbye to those I love, how do I leave a final message as it were? That is what this post is about. I will try to keep this short, we all know I can ramble on endlessly. Perhaps I can be mire specific in a future post (if there is time (morbid lol)).

Boys: each of you added your own rich texture to my life. I love each of you completely. In this there is no competition. You each have your unique qualities and I love each of them. You are my real treasure in life and I thank you for sharing it with me. Forgive me for not being the father I could've been, and thank God for the things I got right. If I have any advise, it is this: love God, follow His word, do not mourn or weep for me, stay in school, work hard, and don't be afraid to love. God will always take care of you, trust Him in all things. I know I was not the best example of trusting God, but I have faith that you can build from what feeble attempts I made. I love you guys.

Jill: what can I say? I made a promise to you in March of 1990, and while I have never believed myself to be perfect, I do know that I gave it my all. You were my LOML. I'm sorry I never quite measured up to your expectations. I pray that God richly blesses you. I don't think I can ever stop loving you.


M: thanks for being an unobtainable breath of fresh air. You will never know, and for that I am thankful. God bless.


More to follow as life permits....

The zombie meme.

Do you think that zombies ever think to themselves (to the extent they do think) that they don't want to go on? Do they desire death, but some force drives them on, even against their desires? Do they realize that what they are now bears little resemblance to who they were when they were alive? Do they mourn their losses, including the loss of their humanity? I do. Because I do.

The zombie meme continues.

Every day I become more zombie like. I shamble through a life devoid of meaning or beauty. Only consuming. I have become mindless, not knowing my own objectives, not paying any heed to where I am going. I consume. I only feel some remnant of life, what it was like before. My advise, stay away. Zombies only destroy and consume.

I have decided that I am a zombie. Strange, I know, but would you expect anything different? Why a zombie? Do I suffer from Cotard's psychosis? Am I on something? Little too much of the mother nature, perhaps? In reverse order, the answers are: don't smoke, should be, no, and let me explain. First though, we have to define "zombie." I think that in this context, I am referring to the classic horror movie image of a zombie: slow moving, brainless, oblivious to the obvious, wanting to taste life without understanding why, getting no nourishment out of whatever legend is tasted, and finally, destructive to the very life it craves. In a mysanthropic, some would say dyphoric review of myself, I would say I fit these qualities. Therefore, I am a zombie.


More later........